Joke Thread

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:24 pm

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking alcohol.
It scared the hell out of me!
So that`s it, from now on, no more reading!

UBT - The Prof.... · Post by **UBT - The Prof....** » Sat Sep 24, 2011 5:13 pm

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' with the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Coby. "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"...

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:38 am

An old guy, living alone in Chicago, wants to plant his vegetable patch at the start of the season. He used to get help from his son, but Jake is in prison now, doing a long stretch for the murder of a couple of mobsters . Still, with no prospect of help from anyone else, he decides to tackle the hard digging by himself but before starting writes his regular letter to his son, telling him of his intentions.

A few days later he's surprised to get a letter back so quickly, and startled to read "Dear Dad, don't go digging up that garden - that's where the bodies are buried."

The following morning the old man is woken by the sound of FBI agents carefully digging up the garden. After a day's intensive activity, during which nothing is found, the agents apologise to the guy and leave him in peace.

The following day he receives another letter from his son: "Hi Dad, sorry about the commotion yesterday, but it was the best I could do under the circumstances - go ahead and plant your vegetables now!"

Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:30 am

I had a hell of a night last night. I was in a seedy bar drinking God knows what and ended up going back to my hotel with a couple of Thai girls.

I thought I'd won the lottery when I found 6 matching balls!

Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:56 am

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and we had the most amazing sex ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!

Zydor · Post by **Zydor** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 12:40 pm

rofl ..... nice one

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:53 am

I went out to eat at Anthony Worrel-Thompson's restaurant last night and had a lovely piece of cake...

...it was stollen.

A list of ingredients for the cake can be found on the BBC news website.

Chris.

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:26 am

I rang my local toy store yesterday and asked if they had a model of the Costa Concordia.

"Yes," was the reply.

"Great," I said, "can you put it on one side for me."

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Tue Feb 14, 2012 9:09 am

Why women have two hands ........

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Tue Mar 20, 2012 7:15 pm

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot

The young family`s 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her "pay packet" home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day, to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her "work" on the building site, and the fact she had a "pay packet".
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We`re building a big house.

"My goodness", said the cashier, "and will you be working on the house again next week?"
The child thought for a moment, then she said seriously;
"I think so, provided those w***ers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks".

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:30 pm

Little Billy was fascinated by the fire brigade and everything connected with it. Every day he would go down to the local fire station and watch the men polishing the fire engines and doing their general duties. Whenever the alarm sounded he would stand well clear and watch as they got on board and drove off with the sirens blaring.

Then one day he came home bursting with excitement. His mother wondered what had happened.

"The firemen have given me a job, Ma!" he explained.

"What, sweeping up in the yard?" his mother asked.

"No, Ma, they said some important piece of equipment had broken and until they get it fixed they needed me to help out!"

Billy's mother couldn't work out what that meant and Billy didn't know any more, so she decided to pop down to the fire station the next day to see what was going on. When she got there she couldn't see Billy so she went into the yard to ask one of the firemen. But just at that moment the alarm went off and everybody dropped what they were doing and scrambled aboard the fire engines. As the first one pulled out, she spotted Billy clinging to the roof. He saw her and a big smile spread across his face.

"Look up here! It's me, Ma, me, Ma, me, Ma, me, Ma..."

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:40 pm

I swear I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb singing while I tended to my herb garden this morning.

Turns out it was just the chive talking!

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Oct 02, 2012 4:46 pm

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. 'Ah, Pierre’ asks one, ' ‘ow ‘av you been doing?'

'Merde!' answers Pierre. 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground.'

'And zen what 'appened?' inquires his mate.

'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'.

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'

'And zen what 'appened?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp!'.'

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet.'

'What 'appened zen?' asks his mate. 'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.'.'

'Ooooh!' says his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'

'A leetle, at ze beginning.'

Post by **Woodles** » Tue Nov 13, 2012 3:25 pm

What shouldn't you say to a woman in labour?

Do you need to make that much noise?
Is it hurting?
Do you really need drugs?
I'm just going down the pub, text me when yer done luv.
I'm just off to get a sandwich.
Will you keep the screaming down I'm trying to watch the football.
S M I L E "...................Click!
I feel your pain.
So, when are we having another one?
Hold fire, I'm off to get a chair, my feet are killing me.
Doesn't seem as painful as people make out.
Shove up love , I'm knackered.
Now you know how I felt when I had man flu.
Could you ask the midwife for some paracetamol when she came back as I've got a bit of a headache.
I just need to phone Paul to explain how to fit those solar panels.
How long's this likely to go on?
Can you stop squeezing my hand, it REALLY hurts.
Look, I'm just getting in the way here, aren't I?
Hurry up I need a shirt ironing.
A man wouldn't make this much fuss/noise.
Do you fancy going to the pictures at the weekend ?"
It's easier if you relax.
When's dinner?
This is hard work.
Myleene Klass didn't seem to whinge so much.
How much is all this going to cost me?
Do I have to be here?
It's not as bad as being kicked in the nuts.
Goodness me, you really are the little drama queen, aren't you?
My first wife didn't make all this fuss!
Can you get a bit of video of me, its been all of you so far...

When my wife had given birth, I looked to the Midwife, 'Tell me, when do you think we'll be able to have sex?' She turned to me and said, 'Meet me in the car park in 15 minutes.'

david · Post by **david** » Tue Nov 27, 2012 12:07 pm

The Great Australian Drover

Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

Love it good Aus humour

David

david · Post by **david** » Wed Nov 28, 2012 2:54 am

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me, Miss. Dey ye hae ony books on suicide ?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Bugg3r off !! Ye'll no bring it back !!"

David

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Nov 29, 2012 1:00 pm

One day Bruce and Bruce are sitting on a wall by the roadside in rural Australia when a car, driven by a well-dressed Swiss man, evidently lost pulls up beside them. The driver wound down the window and said, "Excuse-moi, parlez vous francais, s'il vous plait?"

He was greeted with a stony silence and two bewildered looks and so he tried again, "Sprechen-sie deutch bitte?"

Same reaction. So, he soldiered on. "Parli per favore italiani?"

Silence. Now exasperated, he tried one more time. "Qué les hablas por favor españolas?"

Nothing. Disgusted, he wound up his window and drove off. After a couple of minutes Bruce turned to Bruce and says, "You know Bruce, I think maybe we should try learning a foreign language."

Bruce replied, "Why bother? That bloke knew four and it didn't do him any good did it?"

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Wed Dec 12, 2012 3:26 pm

I was chatting with my granddad the other day and he was telling me that he met Gandhi many years ago when he was out in India. He said what a great man Gandhi was but he was very frail and had terribly bad breath because of his poor diet and he had dreadful feet which were all gnarled because he used to walk everywhere bare footed.

In fact, you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I'm really sorry about that guys - it's been a bit of a quiet day.

Chris.

Tue Dec 18, 2012 10:54 am

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:02 pm

My wife went to get some Tesco burgers out of the freezer last night for our tea. She opened the freezer and said, "They're off!"

She then said to me, "Do you want anything on your burger?"

I said, "Yeah, a fiver each way."

As I was eating my burger I found some plastic in it. It turned out to be My Little Pony.

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Thu Jan 17, 2013 3:14 pm

I went to my local Tesco Express today where I know all the staff, and was told they'd had endless people poking fun.

However, I didn't help. At the checkout on being asked if I wanted a carrier bag I replied "Neigh" :roll: Best I could come up with at that moment!

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:13 pm

Horsey, Horsey, don't you stop
You'll end up in a Tesco shop...

david · Post by **david** » Sat Feb 16, 2013 12:41 am

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to read his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old man top that, they thought.

The aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent;
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one, and tim buktu.

The aboriginal won hands down.

David

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:08 am

We haven't had a joke for a while so...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Post by **UBT-mark3346** » Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:17 am

:lol: :lol:

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 1:45 pm

"Give it to me ... please", she implored. "Give it to me ... I'm so f***ing wet ... NOW. Give it to me NOW!!!!"

Well, she could scream as much she liked, but I'm still keeping the umbrella. (What did you think I was on about???)

Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:07 am

That is very much like the kind of thing in '50 Sheds of Grey'...

I was excited but nervous. I’d finally been accepted into the BDSM community - Builders, Decorators and Shed Maintenance.

We each drop our keys into the bowl. Before long we’ll be entering a world of forbidden delights. God, I love these shed-swapping parties.

I looked down at her. She’d been on her hands and knees for an hour. Finally I spoke. ‘Are you sure you lost your contact lens in here?’

'You're obsessed!' she cried, storming out, 'You love this shed more than me!' Obsessed? Ridiculous. Shed be back. I mean, she'd be back…

We tried various positions- round the back, up against a wall, but the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed.

She stood before me, naked in my shed. ‘I’m yours for today,’ she gasped, ‘You can do whatever you want with me.’ So I took her to Nando’s.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Sun Aug 18, 2013 9:55 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:

That is very much like the kind of thing in '50 Sheds of Grey'...

There's a few more quotes from this splendid book here:

http://www.dailydawdle.com/2012/07/hila ... ey-on.html

and check out their Twitter feed @50ShedsofGrey

UPDATE: Another good read is "50 Sheds of Hay" so check out this link:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/40616/50-shades-of-hay

regards
Tim

Thu Sep 05, 2013 11:49 am

My wife caught me looking at a website of a disreputable nature the other day. She was furious. She said that if she ever caught me on the site again she'd bang my b****y head against the keyboard;klag;hw;erjkgh;hb;kjdfhb;khjitjhg;kdnb;klsjh;jhkldfnb/,zmcvn b/,dm'gaerhqijhqejhbldkfmb/lksdfjhwitjh'ksgnblkjsr;tjh'isjhb'ldfbjihb;jkbh;afkjbh;kjfb;kejhb;kjehb;kjadfnb;jkaehgpurthgmfnh.jfbgjkfbvnv;iorghrnbmf b.;adfkh b;a

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Sat Sep 07, 2013 4:31 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:My wife caught me looking at a website of a disreputable nature the other day. She was furious. She said that if she ever caught me on the site again she'd bang my b****y head against the keyboard;klag;hw;erjkgh;hb;kjdfhb;khjitjhg;kdnb;klsjh;jhkldfnb/,zmcvn b/,dm'gaerhqijhqejhbldkfmb/lksdfjhwitjh'ksgnblkjsr;tjh'isjhb'ldfbjihb;jkbh;afkjbh;kjfb;kejhb;kjehb;kjadfnb;jkaehgpurthgmfnh.jfbgjkfbvnv;iorghrnbmf b.;adfkh b;a

You're not inferring that THIS site is "disreputable" are you ??

(Else why would she be banging your head against the keyboard while you were writing that !!)

(/pedant mode)

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Oct 08, 2013 9:30 am

A Yorkshireman goes into the chemist and says, "Have you got any arse cream?"

The chemist replied, "Yes, Sir. We have Magnum or Cornetto."

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:47 am

On the news this morning...

Historical researchers have found evidence that William Tell and his family were very keen crown green bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records have been destroyed and so we may never know for whom the Tells bowled.

rich2000k · Post by **rich2000k** » Sat Mar 15, 2014 10:14 am

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role-play action babe?" she asked with a wink."Not really" I replied. "Oh, come on" she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want. Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake; however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...as I shouted: "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

Mon Mar 17, 2014 10:30 am

A woman goes into the fishmonger and says, "I'd like a pound of cod please."

"I'm afraid we're out of cod at the moment, ma'am" said the fishmonger.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure. I sold the last piece just 20 minutes ago."

"Can you just check in the back and see if you've got a small piece left?"

The fishmonger goes out to the back and returns 30 seconds later. "There's definitely no cod out there" he said.

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes I am sure and I can prove it. How many Ds are there in 'haddock'?"

"Two" said the woman a little confused.

"How many Es are there in 'herring'?"

"One" said the woman.

"And how many Fs are there in 'Cod'?"

"But there is no F in cod" said the woman.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last five minutes" said the fishmonger triumphantly.

Zydor · Post by **Zydor** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 12:21 pm

rofl ...... nice one

.... and so regrettably true in this Age of self inflated ego's

Fri Mar 21, 2014 10:22 am

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler, approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked his lordship.

"Aplomb”, my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

”I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.”

”Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will picked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

”I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”

”While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

”That evening the pr*ck on his thumb was so sore, at dinner Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.”

”Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling, is your pr*ck still throbbing?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!”

Fri Mar 21, 2014 11:40 am

I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Fri Mar 21, 2014 10:29 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.

[off topic] We had this argument several years ago - http://forum.ukboincteam.com/viewtopic. ... censorship - I had a separate rant but I can't find it just at the mo. Personally, I think we should switch off the profanity filter now as the forum is mature enough to take it. I doubt anyone under 18 would be offended by anything said here.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Sun Mar 23, 2014 1:28 am

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.

Hi Chris,

The forum uses a small number of replacement words, for those extreme words that are not very nice to be displayed on a forum that is supposed to be about mostly BOINC projects....

...and there are plenty of other forums and websites where all manner of language is expressed and tolerated.

However, I have to agree with you on the subject of the word "prick", which is (I think) only mildly offensive, so I've removed that one....and I also removed the word "prat" as that too isn't really that offensive.

Hope that's OK.

regards
Tim

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Sun Mar 23, 2014 11:14 am

UBT - Timbo wrote:
UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
Hi Chris,

The forum uses a small number of replacement words, for those extreme words that are not very nice to be displayed on a forum that is supposed to be about mostly BOINC projects....

...and there are plenty of other forums and websites where all manner of language is expressed and tolerated.

However, I have to agree with you on the subject of the word "prick", which is (I think) only mildly offensive, so I've removed that one....and I also removed the word "prat" as that too isn't really that offensive.

Hope that's OK.

regards
Tim

The word "prat" could be offensive if your name happens to be Prat or Pratt, (like my ex boss.) :D

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:19 pm

I've just got back from seeing the doctor but it wasn't a very successful visit. He couldn't get to the bottom of what is wrong with me. After a while he said, 'Your symptoms are a little ambiguous; it could either be arthritis or dyslexia. What I want you to do is go home and look up dyslexia in a dictionary. If you find it then you've got arthritis."

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Mon Aug 11, 2014 8:31 pm

FORUM MEMBERS:

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:48 am

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello, Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today; we were
2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum. 'Let me tell you about my day…

'Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and
assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

'Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some
buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say, Mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?! Sorry?!' says his mum. 'It's your fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Sun Nov 09, 2014 9:21 pm

This site cracks me up every time I read them!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/ ... ggles-ever

Post by **UBT - Chris** » Sun Nov 09, 2014 9:44 pm

commas can save grandma:

Let's Eat Grandma
Let's Eat, Grandma

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Fri Dec 19, 2014 2:35 pm

It was just before Christmas and the trip had gone reasonably well, but I was ready to return home. The airport had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in my luggage I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe mind, but very cheap plastic imitation stuff with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the check-in girl "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir", she replied sarcastically, "look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:44 pm

BED OR CAKE

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE OSRAM PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

HE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE INDESIT ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN, YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT, I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Tue Apr 28, 2015 9:21 am

UBT - Mikee wrote:.
.
.
.
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Hi Mikee

Who's Betty Crocker ? :(

Does she make cakes?

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Aug 27, 2015 9:56 am

I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum.

That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.

Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:18 am

A week or two ago there was some talk in the forum about trying to encourage more nationalities to the forum. So, in an effort to promote multi-culturism here is the first french joke I ever heard/understood...

Pourquoi faire les Français prennent savon a l'eglise?

Pour l'avé Maria

(Warning - this joke does not make any sense in English)

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:54 am

Hi all

I would guess that most would be aware of Ronnie Corbett's passing.

So, in tribute, here's a link to the BBC website and a list of some of his one liners:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-35935571

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Jun 14, 2016 1:06 pm

I have a friend who has a ticket for the final of the Euros. Unfortunately,
when he bought it he didn't realise that it was the same date as his wedding
and now he's trying to find someone to go in his place. Do you know anyone?
If so, it is at St. Mary's church and her name is Louise.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Tue Jun 14, 2016 10:20 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I have a friend who has a ticket for the final of the Euros. Unfortunately,
when he bought it he didn't realise that it was the same date as his wedding
and now he's trying to find someone to go in his place. Do you know anyone?
If so, it is at St. Mary's church and her name is Louise.

That is very good....!!

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Jun 20, 2016 7:05 pm

Last week my mate David had his ID stolen so now we call him Dav.

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 9:28 am

Cohen was lying on his death bed with his son dutifully by his side.

"Is that your mother's famous cookies I can smell? Be a good lad and get me one so that I can taste them one last time before I go," croaked the old man.

His son disappears downstairs and returns a minute later. "Mum say you can't have one. They're for the funeral."

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Thu Jun 29, 2017 1:21 pm

Now that was good too !!

Just wish I could exchange a few, but for some reason I can never remember jokes...

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:42 pm

During a security briefing at the White House the defense secretary, Donald Rumsfeld breaks some tragic news. "Mr President. three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday while supporting U.S. troops."

"Oh no!" shrieks George W Bush and buries his head in his hands. After a moment he looks up an says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:46 pm

What is the volume of an Italian meal with thickness 'a' and radius 'z''?

pi.z.z.a

(I'm really sorry about that but it has been a very quiet day)

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:50 pm

And so it continues...

Jesus was talking to his disciples and said, "The kingdom of Heaven is like x^2 + 5x - 6."

Thomas looked confused and turned to Peter, "I don't understand. What does the teacher mean?"

Peter replied, "Don't worry, it's just another one of his parabolas."

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:36 pm

Learning to count in binary is as easy as 1, 10, 11...

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:38 pm

Never drink alcohol whilst doing calculus because you should never drink and derive.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:16 pm

Speaking of which:

You know what I find odd? Numbers that are not divisible by 2

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:19 pm

Never trust an atom - they make up everything !!

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:23 pm

I got my Doctorate in Palindromes....I'm now Dr Awkward

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:02 pm

I went into the pub the other day and asked the barmaid for a double entendre...

...and she gave me one.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:13 pm

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says. You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms.

Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop. '

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. '
What's up, love?' he asks.
'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.
'Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of fuckin Guinness.....

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:16 pm

I was driving through Wales with a friend of mine who is dyslexic.

He was studying the road signs when all of a sudden he shouted,

"Fuck me, I'm cured."

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:18 pm

You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl.

Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

hehehehehehehe

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:34 pm

The barkeeper asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeeper was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:45 pm

and lastly for today, here's some blonde jokes.

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

Q: What's a blondes favorite bread?
A: Hump-per-nickel

Q: Why did the blonde douche with Crest?
A: She heard it reduces cavities.

Q: Why are blondes immune to men?
A: They've been inoculated so many times.

Q: What's a blondes favorite drink?
A: A penis colada.

Q: How do you know which blonde gives the best blow job?
A: Word of Mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your friends use your toothbrush.

Q: How did the blonde lawyer sway the judge?
A: She dropped her briefs.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde football player?
A: She was an excellent wide receiver.

Q: What did the blonde name her watchdogs?
A: Timex and Rolex.

Q: What's the difference between the wind and a blonde?
A: Some days the wind doesn't blow.

Q: Why did they call the blonde "Twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: Why do brunettes work hard to keep their figure?
A: No one else wants it.

Q: What's the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

Q: Why does a blonde wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means Stop.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite color?
A: Glitter.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realise she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They drowned in Spring training.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is being unfaithful?
A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: She thought her maxi pad had wings

Q: Why did god give blonde's 2 more brain cells than he gave cows?
A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you play with their tits.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in a closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and seek winner!

Q: What is the difference between a 747 jumbo jet and a blonde?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

Q: Why did the blonde have rectangular tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don't like their brains being screwed with.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: By drowning it.

Q: A blonde is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: Why can't blondes water-ski?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.

Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: If either one of them end up on their back they are both f*cked.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Q: What is a blondes blood type?
A: Pink glitter.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars

Q. Why did the blonde shoot the clock?
A. To Kill time

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What does a blonde ask the doctor, in the maternity ward?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on.It's off.

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call a room full of blonde women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does the blonde turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: How does a blonde give a high-five?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: Who is the best blonde secretary in the world?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.

Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes change light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to re-inflate it!

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong!"

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

A blonde told her girlfriend, "I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. And I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!" (in UK we call them "turn indicators")

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" the blonde said "this chair has arms".

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

[url]source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ShortBlondejokes.html[/url]

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Jul 24, 2017 7:26 pm

Little 9-year-old Johnnie's parents were having a bridge evening with the vicar and his wife so little Johnnie was sent off to bed after milk and biscuits so that the bridge could begin.

Not unreasonably, little Johnnie felt that he was missing out and after a few minutes he appeared downstairs saying that he needed some water because he was thirsty. Johnnie's mum excused herself and took Johnnie back up to bed and gave him glass of water before returning to the game.

Ten minutes later Johnnie reappeared saying that his room was too dark so his mum excused herself again and took Johnnie back to bed and left the door ajar with the landing light on before returning to the game.

Ten minutes later Johnnie appeared again with another excuse. At this point the vicar interrupted and said, "Maybe you'd like me to see to him?"

Johnnie's mum gratefully accepted the vicar's assistance and the vicar disappeared upstairs with Johnnie returning just a few minutes later and returned to the game.

There were no more interruptions during the rest of the evening. "I must say that you have a marvellous way with children, Vicar. What did you say to him to keep him so quiet?" asked Johnnie's mum at the end of the evening.

"Oh, nothing," said the vicar, "I just taught him to masturbate."

Mon Sep 04, 2017 11:58 am

I was shopping in my local supermarket the other day and came across a new Korean vegetarian snack that I thought I would try.

It was Not Poodle.

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Oct 19, 2017 5:16 pm

The theatre director was supervising rehearsals for the new play and calling out stage directions. At one point he calls, "Enter lady with candlestick right upper entrance."

At this the cast fall about laughing and he realises that it doesn't sound quite right. So, he scribbles an alteration on the script and gets the cast to restart the scene. When it comes to the crucial point he calls, "Enter lady with candlestick left upper entrance."

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Thu Oct 19, 2017 6:49 pm

Should I embarass you and say I don't understand - can you explain?

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:09 pm

Hi all

...and there was my smutty mind thinking the change in the script was going to be:

"Enter lady with candlestick at rear."

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:24 pm

Nope - still don't get it...

Post by **Woodles** » Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:35 pm

UBT - Mikee wrote:Nope - still don't get it...

It's obvious

she wasn't a lady!

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:45 pm

UBT - Timbo wrote:Hi all

...and there was my smutty mind thinking the change in the script was going to be:

"Enter lady with candlestick at rear."

regards
Tim

Actually Tim, changing the last bit to, "Enter lady with candlestick upper rear entrance" might be an improvement

Chris.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:18 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:Actually Tim, changing the last bit to, "Enter lady with candlestick upper rear entrance" might be an improvement

Chris.

I see what you did there Chris....

The only trouble I have is that most women I know have a sign over it saying "Exit only"

Nothing like a good double entendre though

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Sun Nov 19, 2017 12:09 pm

Hi all

Some of you might have been aware of a "less than PC" website called Sickipedia, which aimed to collect together as many jokes as possible, many of which are NSFW, NFSC, and every other "not safe for..." category you can think of.

Sadly the backend database failed over a year ago, but it's back now !!

http://www.sickipedia.net

Warning: This site might cause you to have issues with some of the subject matter...so, don't blame the messenger !!

regards
Tim

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Wed Nov 22, 2017 4:09 pm

Three nuns driving along a very long deserted road when they suddenly see the Devil stood in the middle of the road ahead.

The nun driving the car rapidly flashes her headlights, but the Devil shows no concern.

One of her companions tells the driver to blast the horn, but to no avail. The Devil remains unmoved, and as they're getting ever nearer now towers above them.

The senior nun, sat in the back, tells the driver "Quick, lean out of the window and show him your cross". So the driver winds down her window, leans out, and shouts "Get out of the b***ing way you f****ing moron."

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:56 pm

I was playing bridge last night with an American friend and in every hand he bid 1 no trump.

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:38 pm

New rule for the American Bridge Association players - If you have a heart, bid no trump.

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Dec 07, 2017 6:22 pm

What do you call a singer with a small d*ck?

Justin Beaver.

Wed Mar 14, 2018 11:37 am

Did you know that when Charles Dickens wrote "A Tale of Two Cities", before it was published it was serialised in two local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, It was the Worcester Times.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:47 pm

In tribute to the late, great Sir Ken Dodd, here's a link to the BBC website with 17 of his gags (although I know there are far, far more...)

:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-43370741

My fave of these is number 6 !!

Post by **Woodles** » Mon Jul 09, 2018 8:42 am

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then asked her husband for a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

NOT a personal anecdote

Post by **Woodles** » Thu Sep 06, 2018 8:59 am

I have a friend in Afghanistan that has set up a business of converting landmines into prayer mats, prophets are through the roof!

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Thu Sep 06, 2018 10:19 am

A joke from a friend of mine on Facebook:

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

(It helps to know some road names in/around Essex/Cambridgeshire)

Post by **Woodles** » Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:25 am

Ah, but she wouldn't be able to reach that speed limit on the A14!

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Oct 11, 2018 5:53 pm

A mother is scolding her seven-year-old son.

"I've just heard from your teacher that you used the 'C' word in class. That wasn't clever was it?"

"No, it was c*nt."

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue May 28, 2019 2:55 pm

boldly (2).jpg

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Tue May 28, 2019 6:04 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote: ↑Tue May 28, 2019 2:55 pm boldly (2).jpg

Hi Chris

hahahahaha !!

The way things are going, nothing is now assured within the UK...the Brexit party are on the rise, the Tories are in meltdown, Labour are running around like headless chickens, and the other parties are scooping up the left-overs and scraps.

Plus the Scots want independence and do their own deal with the EU - good luck with that !!

Maybe mainland UK should just undock it's fixed link to the Tartan army, pull up its anchor and sail away to somewhere a lot nicer...maybe somewhere in the middle of the South Pacific, with a warm climate and far enough away from Russia, China and N. Korea...?

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:23 pm

I am passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we could all use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:33 pm

Oi did as yu sed an folowed yur egsample...butt i coulddent find my fone sew i m jus sendin dis msg to u all - fink yu 4 the idear - i m jus waitin 4 the efx of the brandy lickyers to wer orf an I can drive mysel home

hic

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 3:59 pm

I do voluntary work in a charity shop and the other day a donation came in entitled 'Tasteless Jokes'. So I bought it. This is an action some of you may come to regret...

How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes half the A & E department to remove it.

There may be more...

Chris

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:09 pm

>>

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:57 pm

Aninal rights activists claim that cutting a chicken's head off is cruel because it runs around in pain...
...Not if you cut its legs off first.

What should you do if a bird craps on your car?
Don't take her out again.

A blind man asks his mate, "What's 'F' in braille?"
His mate replies, "It's so we can read you daft tw*t."

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

A blonde takes her car to be repaired. The mechanic fixes it in 5 minutes.
"It was nothing serious," he said, "just shit in the air filter."
"OK, " she says. "How often?"

My mate is a homosexual agoraphobic. He's been trying to come out of the closet for 30 years.

Al-qaeda have hidden some bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti. Police have warned that if they go off it could spell disaster.

That's enough for now.

Chris.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:57 pm

Long version:

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."

Short version:

A distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in the snow.

He prays to god for help and a woman appears in front of him.

She puts her arms around each cow and they defrost.

"Thank you" says the grateful farmer,"are you an angel sent by god?".

"No" says the woman,"I'm Thora Hird"

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:01 pm

And on a similar theme:

The Two Cows - a short tale of...:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

regards
Tim