Here's some little quips, that might brighten your day:
regards,- So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
- You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
- I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"
I said "No, just a watch."
- I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?"
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?"
- So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
- I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
- My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel
- I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
- So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
- I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.
- I phoned the local ramblers association today, and this bloke just
went on and on.
- My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
- So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
- So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
- So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
- So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising anything."
- I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you."
- So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"
- So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest".
- So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.
- I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road".
- I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
- I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robert De Niro".
- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
- So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
Smiley Tim
:lol: 
