Well it made me laugh......
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Well it made me laugh......
I've got 100's of funny, bad or slightly weird jokes sitting in a folder doing nothing so I thought I'd share :laughing8:
Last edited by UBT - BHCJackie on Tue Mar 21, 2006 12:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Deer Ticks Survey
I hate people that forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this is different!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
I hate people that forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this is different!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Peacock
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Nursery Rhymes Not To Teach Your Kids
Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often.
Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass and turned it's wool to nylon.
Mary had another little lamb. Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, but Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon, "Pies, you dickhead."
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "F*ck him, He's only an egg."
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky,
Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there's little Franky.
Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often.
Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass and turned it's wool to nylon.
Mary had another little lamb. Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, but Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon, "Pies, you dickhead."
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "F*ck him, He's only an egg."
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky,
Silly Jill forgot her pill And now there's little Franky.
Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Interesting Medical Research
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
Medical Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
Medical Conclusion:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
New Dictionary Definitions
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
The Lightbulb
A man goes to work, climbs up on a chair and starts hanging from the light in the middle of the office.
His secretary comes in and asks what he is doing.
He says that he wants a couple of days off, so when the boss arrives, he'll tell him he's a lightbulb so the boss will think he's gone mad and will send him home for a few days to recover.
A few minutes later, the boss comes in, see the man hanging from the middle of the office and asks what he is doing.
The man replies that he is a lightbulb and the boss thinks he's gone mad so sends him home for a couple of days to recover.
As the man walks out, he is followed by his secretary.
The boss asks her why she is leaving as well.
"Well," she replies, "You can't expect me to work in the dark."
A man goes to work, climbs up on a chair and starts hanging from the light in the middle of the office.
His secretary comes in and asks what he is doing.
He says that he wants a couple of days off, so when the boss arrives, he'll tell him he's a lightbulb so the boss will think he's gone mad and will send him home for a few days to recover.
A few minutes later, the boss comes in, see the man hanging from the middle of the office and asks what he is doing.
The man replies that he is a lightbulb and the boss thinks he's gone mad so sends him home for a couple of days to recover.
As the man walks out, he is followed by his secretary.
The boss asks her why she is leaving as well.
"Well," she replies, "You can't expect me to work in the dark."
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
A Mouse Tale
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The Texan mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Californian mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The Californian mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texan mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the mouse from New Jersey. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the other two, "I don't have time for this BS, I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The Texan mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Californian mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The Californian mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texan mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the mouse from New Jersey. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the other two, "I don't have time for this BS, I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
What Makes 100%
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wondered about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND,
look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wondered about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND,
look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
In Mourning
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I'm A Whinger and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.
If you still remember him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I'm A Whinger and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.
If you still remember him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Q: What's white and wriggles on the floor?
A: Cum dancing
Q: What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go 'tick, tick, tick'?
A: "Ve have vays of making you tock."
Q: Why shouldn't you wear Y Fronts in Ukraine?
A: Because Chernobyl Fallout...
A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job working on the dodgems. He's suing them for funfair dismissal.
I was in a pub yesterday and the cigarette machine said "You smell and you're ugly"
Then I heard a voice coming from a nearby bowl of peanuts saying "You're very attractive"
Turns out the cigarette machine was out of order and the nuts were complimentary.
Doctor to George Best: George, I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad news for you.
George Best: OK Doc, but gimme the bad news first.
Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you that you only have an hour to live... but the good news, it's Happy Hour!
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?
A: The same middle name.
A little girl gets lost in Tesco. A security guard finds her and asks, "What's your mum like?"
The child replies, "Big cocks and vodka, mister."
Q: Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Doctor says to patient: "I have some bad news about the bird flu you have caught."
Patient: "Oh, not. What is it doc?"
Doc says: "It's unTweetable."
Q. What do you call a man who goes to a Serbian prostitute?
A. Slobbadown Mycockyoubitch.
A: Cum dancing
Q: What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go 'tick, tick, tick'?
A: "Ve have vays of making you tock."
Q: Why shouldn't you wear Y Fronts in Ukraine?
A: Because Chernobyl Fallout...
A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job working on the dodgems. He's suing them for funfair dismissal.
I was in a pub yesterday and the cigarette machine said "You smell and you're ugly"
Then I heard a voice coming from a nearby bowl of peanuts saying "You're very attractive"
Turns out the cigarette machine was out of order and the nuts were complimentary.
Doctor to George Best: George, I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad news for you.
George Best: OK Doc, but gimme the bad news first.
Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you that you only have an hour to live... but the good news, it's Happy Hour!
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?
A: The same middle name.
A little girl gets lost in Tesco. A security guard finds her and asks, "What's your mum like?"
The child replies, "Big cocks and vodka, mister."
Q: Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Doctor says to patient: "I have some bad news about the bird flu you have caught."
Patient: "Oh, not. What is it doc?"
Doc says: "It's unTweetable."
Q. What do you call a man who goes to a Serbian prostitute?
A. Slobbadown Mycockyoubitch.
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UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Dangerous Virus Warning
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.
Purchase the antidote known as WINE.
The quickest acting is called CHARDONNAY but this is only available for those who can afford it, the NHS equivalent is BLUE NUN.
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
This virus is DEADLY.
Update:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that LAGER or BEER may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.
Purchase the antidote known as WINE.
The quickest acting is called CHARDONNAY but this is only available for those who can afford it, the NHS equivalent is BLUE NUN.
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
This virus is DEADLY.
Update:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that LAGER or BEER may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
-
UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Office Language
Dear Colleagues
It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
1: TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2: TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3: TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4: TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5: TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be taking the p___ss!
6: TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7: TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8: TRY SAYING: That's interesting!
INSTEAD OF: What the f___ is that!
9: TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This load of b__llocks won't work.
10: TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11: TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12: TRY SAYING: Excuse me?
INSTEAD OF: Get st__ffed.
13: TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14: TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: You can f__ right off with that.
15: TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16: TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17: TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18: TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources.
Dear Colleagues
It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
1: TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2: TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3: TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4: TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5: TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be taking the p___ss!
6: TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7: TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8: TRY SAYING: That's interesting!
INSTEAD OF: What the f___ is that!
9: TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This load of b__llocks won't work.
10: TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11: TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12: TRY SAYING: Excuse me?
INSTEAD OF: Get st__ffed.
13: TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14: TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: You can f__ right off with that.
15: TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16: TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17: TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18: TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources.
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UBT - Timbo
- UBT Forum Admin
- Posts: 9680
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
- Location: NW Midlands
- Contact:
UBT - BHCJackie wrote:In Mourning
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
HEAR, HEAR.
Great tribute.
Now - before the next general election, we set up a Political Party, win the election and then rule the country.
I hereby submit the following for your delectation and delight:
Our Government Team:
Dazza - Technology and Education Minister
UBT - BHCJackie - Health Minister
UBT - Halifax--lad - Spin Doctor
UBT - AJS - Foreign Secretary
UBT _ Grumpy Old Bloke - Chancellor of the Exchequer
setiuk - Leader of the Opposition
All other members - Ministers without Portfolio with special responsibilites for keeping this forum going while we're running the country
(If you want to know why the above selections were made - then you need to read more of the forum and see what msg's members have left here!!)
regards,
Tim
PS I will not nominate myself for any postion - that's down to the members to decide - just remember that PM stands for "Prime Master".....
Last edited by UBT - Timbo on Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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UBT - Mikee
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I believe The Master does have a penchant for starting wars or at least attempting to "Frontier in space" being the first that comes to mind not sure whether there is a parrellel to the position of Prime Master where we could judge if these skills were usefulUBT - Timbo wrote:
PS I will not nominate myself for any postion - that's down to the members to decide - just remember that PM stands for "Prime Master".....
Can I be minister for Dr Who or does the Prime Master taken on these duties If so maybe i could be the Permanent Secretary for Dr Who
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UBT - Timbo
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UBT - Steve Taylor wrote:I believe The Master does have a penchant for starting wars or at least attempting to "Frontier in space" being the first that comes to mind not sure whether there is a parrellel to the position of Prime Master where we could judge if these skills were useful
Bah ! That was a futile attempt by the Doctor to upset my plans. He may have got the Time Lords to put right the mischief caused by the Ogrons, but even so, the Draconians were but putty in my hands.....
And all I got out of it was a few minutes with Jo locked in a cell.....shame it wasn't Sarah-Jane....! I would have given everything up for her....
Not too worry - that all happened in your future !! - I still have that to look forward to and next time, I'll get it right - shame you lot won't be around in 2540 to see my victory!
regards,
The Master
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mikeejones1 wrote:Hey - Can I be the 'Minister for Inferiority complexs?'
What is it with the Welsh? They always think they are "beneath" everybody........
We'll fix that right now - you can be "Minister for Welsh Affairs" - just fix me up with a nice "Myfanway" or a cute "Lowri" will you me boy?
regards,
Tim
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UBT - Timbo
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Croeso i chwi !!mikeejones1 wrote:Welsh affairs eh? Now who can I have a Welsh affair with? There's not that many fit Welsh lasses I can think of Shirly Bassey, Sian Lloyd... ah Charlotte Church! :bounce:
pa ‘run sydd orau?
- Ms Churcy (young, voluptuous, sexy)
- Ms Bassey (older woman, volutupous, sexy to some)
pa ‘run sydd waethaf?
- Sian Lloyd (being p*rked by some politician !)
To non-Welsh speakers (like me!), go here:
http://www.siop-siarad.co.uk/phrases_mu ... _verbs.htm
dyna’r cwbl
regards,
Tim
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