Any pilots out there?

[Timby]

Just got an email with some rather funny stories I thought I might share with you all!
Any comments from commercial pilots welcome

Actual conversations between Control Towers and Pilots.....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

......................................................................................................

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it
hits a 727?"

......................................................................................................

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff
queue.....

Unknown Pilot: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
yourself immediately!"
Unknown Pilot: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

......................................................................................................

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic
is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..... i've
got the little Fokker in sight."

......................................................................................................

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.......

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at
the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take
the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."

......................................................................................................

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich,
overheard the following......

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"


End of Part one

[Timby]

Part 2

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied, Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

.....................................................................................................

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

.....................................................................................................

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.....

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main runway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,
have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and
I didn't land."

.....................................................................................................

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
out at the US Air crew.....

Controller (screaming): "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned
right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew..............

Controller (shouting hysterically): "God! Now you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right
there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive
taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go
exactly  where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am!" the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick
was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"