Subject: The Squirrel and the Grasshopper
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so, while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill
with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We
Shall Overcome'.
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share'
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive
to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine
for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to
work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to
the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to
get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with
mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of
Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the
police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned
because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats
devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards...
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't
bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is
blamed for the grasshopper' s drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a
botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
state the obvious, is set up..
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.
The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the
root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic
experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice
in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
for law and order and they are told that they will have to work
beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
