A MODERN DAY TRAFALGAR

[UBT - bobuk]

The Scene is set - on the Quarterdeck of H.M.S. Victory.

Admiral Lord Nelson (played by Capt Michael Taylor) is ready for battle.

Captain Thomas Hardy (played by Capt Eoan Edwards) is ready for his orders -

BUT - the year is not 1805 - it is 2007 - and Political Correctness is the buzz-word.


Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it....full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the
differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...KISS ME , HARDY".

RULE BRITANNIA..!!

[UBT - Chris Suddick]

Hmmm, that'd be funny if it weren't true.  

Chris.

[UBT - Timbo]

Hmmm, that'd be funny if it weren't true.  

Chris.

Well I thought it was funny....but then I'm nearly old enough to remember it the first time around !!

Being "PC" is just a namby pamby way of ensuring you don't upset anybody....

In the past, it was "shoot first, and ask questions later" - irrespective of colour, creed or race.

Nowadays, you can't do anything without being caught on some CCTV or camera phone or other "image capturing" device.

Even the Beeb are at it - they were asking on BReakfast this morning for people going to the up-coming football Cup Finals to use their camera phone to take videos of themselves...

Can you imagine:

"OK, this is me, driving my car at 125mph on the M25 and I'm smiling, coz there's no police cars around, as they are all on duty at Wembley and....what's that...there's a lump of metal in the road?...where abouts......oh, I see it.....let's just drive over it and see what happens.......(bump).....arghhh.......(crash)......I'm.......OK......are.....you?.......gotta bump...on my head.....and there's some blood here.......think it's mine.....can't feel my legs.......and what's that over there......it looks like my trousers.....and my shoes.....oh no...they ARE mine.........!"

"This is John Doe, on the M25 for BBC Breakfast".

regards,

Tim

[smith639]

Too true, unless they come with a mouse & keyboard I've no time for PC.
The chances of us developing an Empire given today's limp wristed, wet, apologetic mindset are zilch.

At the risk of appearing pretentious here is a 'signature' from a user on the SAMA 82 Forum, which says a lot:

The object of life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out,
shouting, “Holy Sh1t!!, What a Ride!!!”

for those of us that have known combat, life has a flavour that the protected will never know

Ron SMith