Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
hgblade
UBT Contributor
Posts: 28463
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:00 am

Re: Joke Thread

Post by hgblade » Wed Nov 22, 2017 4:09 pm

Three nuns driving along a very long deserted road when they suddenly see the Devil stood in the middle of the road ahead.

The nun driving the car rapidly flashes her headlights, but the Devil shows no concern.

One of her companions tells the driver to blast the horn, but to no avail. The Devil remains unmoved, and as they're getting ever nearer now towers above them.

The senior nun, sat in the back, tells the driver "Quick, lean out of the window and show him your cross". So the driver winds down her window, leans out, and shouts "Get out of the b***ing way you f****ing moron."

UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:56 pm

I was playing bridge last night with an American friend and in every hand he bid 1 no trump.

hgblade
UBT Contributor
Posts: 28463
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:00 am

Re: Joke Thread

Post by hgblade » Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:38 pm

New rule for the American Bridge Association players - If you have a heart, bid no trump.

UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Dec 07, 2017 6:22 pm

What do you call a singer with a small d*ck?

Justin Beaver.

UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Wed Mar 14, 2018 11:37 am

Did you know that when Charles Dickens wrote "A Tale of Two Cities", before it was published it was serialised in two local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, It was the Worcester Times.

UBT - Timbo
UBT Forum Admin
Posts: 8384
Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Location: NW Midlands
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Wed Mar 14, 2018 12:47 pm

In tribute to the late, great Sir Ken Dodd, here's a link to the BBC website with 17 of his gags (although I know there are far, far more...) ;-) :

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-43370741

My fave of these is number 6 !!

Woodles
Active UBT Contributor 20+ yrs
Posts: 11041
Joined: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:00 am
Location: Cambridgeshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Woodles » Mon Jul 09, 2018 8:42 am

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then asked her husband for a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

NOT a personal anecdote :P

Woodles
Active UBT Contributor 20+ yrs
Posts: 11041
Joined: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:00 am
Location: Cambridgeshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Woodles » Thu Sep 06, 2018 8:59 am

I have a friend in Afghanistan that has set up a business of converting landmines into prayer mats, prophets are through the roof!

UBT - Timbo
UBT Forum Admin
Posts: 8384
Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Location: NW Midlands
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Thu Sep 06, 2018 10:19 am

A joke from a friend of mine on Facebook:

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."


(It helps to know some road names in/around Essex/Cambridgeshire)

Woodles
Active UBT Contributor 20+ yrs
Posts: 11041
Joined: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:00 am
Location: Cambridgeshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by Woodles » Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:25 am

Ah, but she wouldn't be able to reach that speed limit on the A14! :D

UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Oct 11, 2018 5:53 pm

A mother is scolding her seven-year-old son.

"I've just heard from your teacher that you used the 'C' word in class. That wasn't clever was it?"

"No, it was c*nt."

UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Tue May 28, 2019 2:55 pm

boldly (2).jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.

UBT - Timbo
UBT Forum Admin
Posts: 8384
Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Location: NW Midlands
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Tue May 28, 2019 6:04 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:
Tue May 28, 2019 2:55 pm
boldly (2).jpg
Hi Chris

hahahahaha !!

The way things are going, nothing is now assured within the UK...the Brexit party are on the rise, the Tories are in meltdown, Labour are running around like headless chickens, and the other parties are scooping up the left-overs and scraps.

Plus the Scots want independence and do their own deal with the EU - good luck with that !!

Maybe mainland UK should just undock it's fixed link to the Tartan army, pull up its anchor and sail away to somewhere a lot nicer...maybe somewhere in the middle of the South Pacific, with a warm climate and far enough away from Russia, China and N. Korea...?

regards
Tim

UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Oct 03, 2019 4:23 pm

I am passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we could all use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

UBT - Timbo
UBT Forum Admin
Posts: 8384
Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Location: NW Midlands
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Thu Oct 03, 2019 6:33 pm

Oi did as yu sed an folowed yur egsample...butt i coulddent find my fone sew i m jus sendin dis msg to u all - fink yu 4 the idear - i m jus waitin 4 the efx of the brandy lickyers to wer orf an I can drive mysel home ;-) hic

UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Fri Jan 10, 2020 3:59 pm

I do voluntary work in a charity shop and the other day a donation came in entitled 'Tasteless Jokes'. So I bought it. This is an action some of you may come to regret...

How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes half the A & E department to remove it.

There may be more...

Chris

UBT - Timbo
UBT Forum Admin
Posts: 8384
Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Location: NW Midlands
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Fri Jan 10, 2020 4:09 pm

:techie-idea: >> :scared-eek: >> :auto-ambulance: >> :text-lol:

UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:57 pm

Aninal rights activists claim that cutting a chicken's head off is cruel because it runs around in pain...
...Not if you cut its legs off first.

What should you do if a bird craps on your car?
Don't take her out again.

A blind man asks his mate, "What's 'F' in braille?"
His mate replies, "It's so we can read you daft tw*t."

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

A blonde takes her car to be repaired. The mechanic fixes it in 5 minutes.
"It was nothing serious," he said, "just shit in the air filter."
"OK, " she says. "How often?"

My mate is a homosexual agoraphobic. He's been trying to come out of the closet for 30 years.

Al-qaeda have hidden some bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti. Police have warned that if they go off it could spell disaster.

That's enough for now.

Chris.

UBT - Timbo
UBT Forum Admin
Posts: 8384
Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Location: NW Midlands
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:57 pm

Long version:

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."












Short version:

A distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in the snow.

He prays to god for help and a woman appears in front of him.

She puts her arms around each cow and they defrost.

"Thank you" says the grateful farmer,"are you an angel sent by god?".

"No" says the woman,"I'm Thora Hird"


regards
Tim

UBT - Timbo
UBT Forum Admin
Posts: 8384
Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Location: NW Midlands
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:01 pm

And on a similar theme:

The Two Cows - a short tale of...:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...


regards
Tim

Post Reply