Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:38 pm

Never drink alcohol whilst doing calculus because you should never drink and derive.

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:16 pm

Speaking of which:

You know what I find odd? Numbers that are not divisible by 2 :-)

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:19 pm

Never trust an atom - they make up everything !!

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:23 pm

I got my Doctorate in Palindromes....I'm now Dr Awkward ;-)

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:02 pm

I went into the pub the other day and asked the barmaid for a double entendre...

...and she gave me one.

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:13 pm

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says. You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms.

Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop. '

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. '
What's up, love?' he asks.
'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.
'Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of fuckin Guinness.....

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:16 pm

I was driving through Wales with a friend of mine who is dyslexic.

He was studying the road signs when all of a sudden he shouted,

"Fuck me, I'm cured."

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:18 pm

You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl.

Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

hehehehehehehe :-(

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:34 pm

The barkeeper asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeeper was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Fri Jul 21, 2017 7:45 pm

and lastly for today, here's some blonde jokes.

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

Q: What's a blondes favorite bread?
A: Hump-per-nickel

Q: Why did the blonde douche with Crest?
A: She heard it reduces cavities.

Q: Why are blondes immune to men?
A: They've been inoculated so many times.

Q: What's a blondes favorite drink?
A: A penis colada.

Q: How do you know which blonde gives the best blow job?
A: Word of Mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your friends use your toothbrush.

Q: How did the blonde lawyer sway the judge?
A: She dropped her briefs.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde football player?
A: She was an excellent wide receiver.

Q: What did the blonde name her watchdogs?
A: Timex and Rolex.

Q: What's the difference between the wind and a blonde?
A: Some days the wind doesn't blow.

Q: Why did they call the blonde "Twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: Why do brunettes work hard to keep their figure?
A: No one else wants it.

Q: What's the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

Q: Why does a blonde wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means Stop.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite color?
A: Glitter.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realise she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They drowned in Spring training.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is being unfaithful?
A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: She thought her maxi pad had wings

Q: Why did god give blonde's 2 more brain cells than he gave cows?
A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you play with their tits.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in a closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and seek winner!

Q: What is the difference between a 747 jumbo jet and a blonde?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

Q: Why did the blonde have rectangular tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don't like their brains being screwed with.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: By drowning it.

Q: A blonde is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: Why can't blondes water-ski?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.

Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: If either one of them end up on their back they are both f*cked.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Q: What is a blondes blood type?
A: Pink glitter.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars

Q. Why did the blonde shoot the clock?
A. To Kill time

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What does a blonde ask the doctor, in the maternity ward?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on.It's off.

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call a room full of blonde women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does the blonde turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: How does a blonde give a high-five?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: Who is the best blonde secretary in the world?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.

Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes change light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to re-inflate it!

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong!"

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

A blonde told her girlfriend, "I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. And I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!" (in UK we call them "turn indicators")

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" the blonde said "this chair has arms".

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

[url]source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ShortBlondejokes.html[/url]

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Mon Jul 24, 2017 7:26 pm

Little 9-year-old Johnnie's parents were having a bridge evening with the vicar and his wife so little Johnnie was sent off to bed after milk and biscuits so that the bridge could begin.

Not unreasonably, little Johnnie felt that he was missing out and after a few minutes he appeared downstairs saying that he needed some water because he was thirsty. Johnnie's mum excused herself and took Johnnie back up to bed and gave him glass of water before returning to the game.

Ten minutes later Johnnie reappeared saying that his room was too dark so his mum excused herself again and took Johnnie back to bed and left the door ajar with the landing light on before returning to the game.

Ten minutes later Johnnie appeared again with another excuse. At this point the vicar interrupted and said, "Maybe you'd like me to see to him?"

Johnnie's mum gratefully accepted the vicar's assistance and the vicar disappeared upstairs with Johnnie returning just a few minutes later and returned to the game.

There were no more interruptions during the rest of the evening. "I must say that you have a marvellous way with children, Vicar. What did you say to him to keep him so quiet?" asked Johnnie's mum at the end of the evening.

"Oh, nothing," said the vicar, "I just taught him to masturbate."

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Mon Sep 04, 2017 11:58 am

I was shopping in my local supermarket the other day and came across a new Korean vegetarian snack that I thought I would try.

It was Not Poodle.

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Oct 19, 2017 5:16 pm

The theatre director was supervising rehearsals for the new play and calling out stage directions. At one point he calls, "Enter lady with candlestick right upper entrance."

At this the cast fall about laughing and he realises that it doesn't sound quite right. So, he scribbles an alteration on the script and gets the cast to restart the scene. When it comes to the crucial point he calls, "Enter lady with candlestick left upper entrance."

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee » Thu Oct 19, 2017 6:49 pm

Should I embarass you and say I don't understand - can you explain? :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Thu Oct 19, 2017 8:09 pm

Hi all

...and there was my smutty mind thinking the change in the script was going to be:

"Enter lady with candlestick at rear." ;-)

regards
Tim

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee » Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:24 pm

Nope - still don't get it... :) :twisted:
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Woodles » Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:35 pm

UBT - Mikee wrote:Nope - still don't get it... :) :twisted:
It's obvious




















she wasn't a lady! :lol:

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Fri Oct 20, 2017 1:45 pm

UBT - Timbo wrote:Hi all

...and there was my smutty mind thinking the change in the script was going to be:

"Enter lady with candlestick at rear." ;-)

regards
Tim
Actually Tim, changing the last bit to, "Enter lady with candlestick upper rear entrance" might be an improvement :lol:

Chris.

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:18 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:Actually Tim, changing the last bit to, "Enter lady with candlestick upper rear entrance" might be an improvement :lol:

Chris.
I see what you did there Chris.... :o :whistle:

The only trouble I have is that most women I know have a sign over it saying "Exit only" :cry:

Nothing like a good double entendre though ;-)

regards
Tim

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Sun Nov 19, 2017 12:09 pm

Hi all

Some of you might have been aware of a "less than PC" website called Sickipedia, which aimed to collect together as many jokes as possible, many of which are NSFW, NFSC, and every other "not safe for..." category you can think of.

Sadly the backend database failed over a year ago, but it's back now !!

http://www.sickipedia.net

Warning: This site might cause you to have issues with some of the subject matter...so, don't blame the messenger !!

regards
Tim

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