Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:19 pm

I've just got back from seeing the doctor but it wasn't a very successful visit. He couldn't get to the bottom of what is wrong with me. After a while he said, 'Your symptoms are a little ambiguous; it could either be arthritis or dyslexia. What I want you to do is go home and look up dyslexia in a dictionary. If you find it then you've got arthritis."

UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee » Mon Aug 11, 2014 8:31 pm

FORUM MEMBERS:


How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
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UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:48 am

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the  coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello, Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today; we were
2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum. 'Let me tell you about my day…

'Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and
assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

'Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some
buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great  time!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say, Mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?! Sorry?!' says his mum. 'It's your fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee » Sun Nov 09, 2014 9:21 pm

This site cracks me up every time I read them!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/ ... ggles-ever
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UBT - Chris
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Post by UBT - Chris » Sun Nov 09, 2014 9:44 pm

commas can save grandma:

Let's Eat Grandma
Let's Eat, Grandma
'UBT - Chris' is my old name - I now crunch as 'CaffeinatedSloth' but I'm still 100% UBT :D
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade » Fri Dec 19, 2014 2:35 pm

It was just before Christmas and the trip had gone reasonably well, but I was ready to return home. The airport had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in my luggage I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe mind, but very cheap plastic imitation stuff with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the check-in girl "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir", she replied sarcastically, "look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee » Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:44 pm

BED OR CAKE

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE?  CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE OSRAM PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

HE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE INDESIT ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN, YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT, I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
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UBT - Timbo
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Post by UBT - Timbo » Tue Apr 28, 2015 9:21 am

UBT - Mikee wrote:.
.
.
.
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
Hi Mikee

Who's Betty Crocker ?  :(

Does she make cakes?

regards
Tim

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Aug 27, 2015 9:56 am

I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum.

That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:18 am

A week or two ago there was some talk in the forum about trying to encourage more nationalities to the forum. So, in an effort to promote multi-culturism here is the first french joke I ever heard/understood...

Pourquoi faire les Français prennent savon a l'eglise?

Pour l'avé Maria

(Warning - this joke does not make any sense in English)

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:54 am

Hi all

I would guess that most would be aware of Ronnie Corbett's passing. :cry:

So, in tribute, here's a link to the BBC website and a list of some of his one liners:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-35935571

regards
Tim

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Tue Jun 14, 2016 1:06 pm

I have a friend who has a ticket for the final of the Euros. Unfortunately,
when he bought it he didn't realise that it was the same date as his wedding
and now he's trying to find someone to go in his place. Do you know anyone?
If so, it is at St. Mary's church and her name is Louise.

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Tue Jun 14, 2016 10:20 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I have a friend who has a ticket for the final of the Euros. Unfortunately,
when he bought it he didn't realise that it was the same date as his wedding
and now he's trying to find someone to go in his place. Do you know anyone?
If so, it is at St. Mary's church and her name is Louise.
That is very good....!!

regards
Tim

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Mon Jun 20, 2016 7:05 pm

Last week my mate David had his ID stolen so now we call him Dav.

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Wed Jun 28, 2017 9:28 am

Cohen was lying on his death bed with his son dutifully by his side.

"Is that your mother's famous cookies I can smell? Be a good lad and get me one so that I can taste them one last time before I go," croaked the old man.

His son disappears downstairs and returns a minute later. "Mum say you can't have one. They're for the funeral."

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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo » Thu Jun 29, 2017 1:21 pm

Now that was good too !!

Just wish I could exchange a few, but for some reason I can never remember jokes... :-(

regards
Tim

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:42 pm

During a security briefing at the White House the defense secretary, Donald Rumsfeld breaks some tragic news. "Mr President. three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday while supporting U.S. troops."

"Oh no!" shrieks George W Bush and buries his head in his hands. After a moment he looks up an says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:46 pm

What is the volume of an Italian meal with thickness 'a' and radius 'z''?

pi.z.z.a

(I'm really sorry about that but it has been a very quiet day)

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:50 pm

And so it continues...

Jesus was talking to his disciples and said, "The kingdom of Heaven is like x^2 + 5x - 6."

Thomas looked confused and turned to Peter, "I don't understand. What does the teacher mean?"

Peter replied, "Don't worry, it's just another one of his parabolas."

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:36 pm

Learning to count in binary is as easy as 1, 10, 11...

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