Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:24 pm

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking alcohol.
It scared the hell out of me!
So that`s it, from now on, no more reading!

UBT - The Prof....
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Post by UBT - The Prof.... » Sat Sep 24, 2011 5:13 pm

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' with the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Coby. "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"...

hgblade
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Post by hgblade » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:38 am

An old guy, living alone in Chicago, wants to plant his vegetable patch at the start of the season. He used to get help from his son, but Jake is in prison now, doing a long stretch for the murder of a couple of mobsters . Still, with no prospect of help from anyone else, he decides to tackle the hard digging by himself but before starting writes his regular letter to his son, telling him of his intentions.

A few days later he's surprised to get a letter back so quickly, and startled to read "Dear Dad, don't go digging up that garden - that's where the bodies are buried."

The following morning the old man is woken by the sound of FBI agents carefully digging up the garden. After a day's intensive activity, during which nothing is found, the agents apologise to the guy and leave him in peace.

The following day he receives another letter from his son: "Hi Dad, sorry about the commotion yesterday, but it was the best I could do under the circumstances - go ahead and plant your vegetables now!"
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UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:30 am

I had a hell of a night last night. I was in a seedy bar drinking God knows what and ended up going back to my hotel with a couple of Thai girls.

I thought I'd won the lottery when I found 6 matching balls!

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:56 am

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and we had the most amazing sex ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!

Zydor
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Post by Zydor » Wed Jan 11, 2012 12:40 pm

rofl ..... nice one :)

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:53 am

I went out to eat at Anthony Worrel-Thompson's restaurant last night and had a lovely piece of cake...

...it was stollen.

A list of ingredients for the cake can be found on the BBC news website.

Chris.

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:26 am

I rang my local toy store yesterday and asked if they had a model of the Costa Concordia.

"Yes," was the reply.

"Great," I said, "can you put it on one side for me."

hgblade
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Post by hgblade » Tue Feb 14, 2012 9:09 am

Why women have two hands ........

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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn » Tue Mar 20, 2012 7:15 pm

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot

The young family`s 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her "pay packet" home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day, to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her "work" on the building site, and the fact she had a "pay packet".
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We`re building a big house.

"My goodness", said the cashier, "and will you be working on the house again next week?"
The child thought for a moment, then she said seriously;
"I think so, provided those w***ers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks".

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Post by hgblade » Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:30 pm

Little Billy was fascinated by the fire brigade and everything connected with it. Every day he would go down to the local fire station and watch the men polishing the fire engines and doing their general duties. Whenever the alarm sounded he would stand well clear and watch as they got on board and drove off with the sirens blaring.

Then one day he came home bursting with excitement. His mother wondered what had happened.

"The firemen have given me a job, Ma!" he explained.

"What, sweeping up in the yard?" his mother asked.

"No, Ma, they said some important piece of equipment had broken and until they get it fixed they needed me to help out!"

Billy's mother couldn't work out what that meant and Billy didn't know any more, so she decided to pop down to the fire station the next day to see what was going on. When she got there she couldn't see Billy so she went into the yard to ask one of the firemen. But just at that moment the alarm went off and everybody dropped what they were doing and scrambled aboard the fire engines. As the first one pulled out, she spotted Billy clinging to the roof. He saw her and a big smile spread across his face.

"Look up here! It's me, Ma, me, Ma, me, Ma, me, Ma..."
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade » Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:40 pm

I swear I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb singing while I tended to my herb garden this morning.


Turns out it was just the chive talking!
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UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Tue Oct 02, 2012 4:46 pm

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. 'Ah, Pierre’ asks one, ' ‘ow ‘av you been doing?'

'Merde!' answers Pierre. 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground.'

'And zen what 'appened?' inquires his mate.

'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'.

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'

'And zen what 'appened?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp!'.'

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet.'

'What 'appened zen?' asks his mate. 'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said:  'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.'.'

'Ooooh!' says his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'

'A leetle, at ze beginning.'

Woodles
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Post by Woodles » Tue Nov 13, 2012 3:25 pm

What shouldn't you say to a woman in labour?

Do you need to make that much noise?
Is it hurting?
Do you really need drugs?
I'm just going down the pub, text me when yer done luv.
I'm just off to get a sandwich.
Will you keep the screaming down I'm trying to watch the football.
S M I L E "...................Click!
I feel your pain.
So, when are we having another one?
Hold fire, I'm off to get a chair, my feet are killing me.
Doesn't seem as painful as people make out.
Shove up love , I'm knackered.
Now you know how I felt when I had man flu.
Could you ask the midwife for some paracetamol when she came back as I've got a bit of a headache.
I just need to phone Paul to explain how to fit those solar panels.
How long's this likely to go on?
Can you stop squeezing my hand, it REALLY hurts.
Look, I'm just getting in the way here, aren't I?
Hurry up I need a shirt ironing.
A man wouldn't make this much fuss/noise.
Do you fancy going to the pictures at the weekend ?"
It's easier if you relax.
When's dinner?
This is hard work.
Myleene Klass didn't seem to whinge so much.
How much is all this going to cost me?
Do I have to be here?
It's not as bad as being kicked in the nuts.
Goodness me, you really are the little drama queen, aren't you?
My first wife didn't make all this fuss!
Can you get a bit of video of me, its been all of you so far...

When my wife had given birth, I looked to the Midwife, 'Tell me, when do you think we'll be able to have sex?' She turned to me and said, 'Meet me in the car park in 15 minutes.'
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Post by david » Tue Nov 27, 2012 12:07 pm

The Great Australian Drover


Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

  Love it good Aus humour

  David

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Post by david » Wed Nov 28, 2012 2:54 am

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A  bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me, Miss. Dey ye hae ony books on suicide ?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Bugg3r off !!  Ye'll no bring it back !!"


David

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Nov 29, 2012 1:00 pm

One day Bruce and Bruce are sitting on a wall by the roadside in rural Australia when a car, driven by a well-dressed Swiss man, evidently lost pulls up beside them. The driver wound down the window and said, "Excuse-moi, parlez vous francais, s'il vous plait?"

He was greeted with a stony silence and two bewildered looks and so he tried again, "Sprechen-sie deutch bitte?"

Same reaction. So, he soldiered on. "Parli per favore italiani?"

Silence. Now exasperated, he tried one more time. "Qué les hablas por favor españolas?"

Nothing. Disgusted, he wound up his window and drove off. After a couple of minutes Bruce turned to Bruce and says, "You know Bruce, I think maybe we should try learning a foreign language."

Bruce replied, "Why bother? That bloke knew four and it didn't do him any good did it?"

UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Wed Dec 12, 2012 3:26 pm

I was chatting with my granddad the other day and he was telling me that he met Gandhi many years ago when he was out in India. He said what a great man Gandhi was but he was very frail and had terribly bad breath because of his poor diet and he had dreadful feet which were all gnarled because he used to walk everywhere bare footed.

In fact, you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I'm really sorry about that guys - it's been a bit of a quiet day.

Chris.

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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Tue Dec 18, 2012 10:54 am

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.  As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick » Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:02 pm

My wife went to get some Tesco burgers out of the freezer last night for our tea. She opened the freezer and said, "They're off!"

She then said to me, "Do you want anything on your burger?"

I said, "Yeah, a fiver each way."

As I was eating my burger I found some plastic in it. It turned out to be My Little Pony.

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