Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

UBT - Rick Horn wrote:Lol. How true!
I always tell Our Lass that the coarse hairs stuck in the soap are my chest hairs, hope she doesn't read this! :lol:  :lol:
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal w hat the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'


Principal: ' What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

The three ages of man:

Tri-Weekly

Try Weekly

Try Weakly

( sadly, I`m now in section 3)   :oops:
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humour."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little a**h*le on your knee!"
Image
UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

Paddy and his wife have just celebrated their silver wedding by having a long weekend in Paris.
They board their Ryanair flight back to Dublin and are just settling in to watch the in-flight movie, when the captain breaks in to announce "ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has developed a fault and has had to be shut down. There is no need to panic as we can fly perfectly well on 3 engines, but this will mean  we will be about 10 minutes late on the ground".
Paddy settles down again, but 10 minutes later, the captain makes another announcement. "Captain again, I`m sorry to have to tell you that another engine has developed a fault, but we can still fly safely on our 2 remaining engines, but the flight delay will be half an hour".
Paddy settles down yet again, but 20 minutes later, the captain breaks in again. "Ladies and gentlemen, I now have to tell you that a third engine has failed. This is quite serious. Dublin airport is being cleared of traffic so that we can land immediately without waiting for other aircraft, but due to our low airspeed, we will be at least 2 hours late".
Paddy says to his wife," Jesus Mary and Joseph, I hope that last engine holds out, or we`ll be up here all night".
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Tommy Cooper Jokes...

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

A couple were invited to a masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awoke without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. As her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every attractive girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive type herself, enticed him to leave his partner high and dry and devote his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wanted; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
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melter65
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Post by melter65 »

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si señor! Sometimes the bull wins!"
Ben
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Post by Ben »

The Japanese banks are now facing the credit crunch... !


Banking uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded,

Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song,

while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Ben
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Post by Ben »

Latest financial news!!!

Meanwhile, in Britain, FTSE 100 companies have been suffering more setbacks -

Orange has gone into liquidation
Imperial Tobbaco has gone up in smoke
First Group are now second best
The bubble has burst at Unilever
Cadbury shares are in meltdown
Bernard Matthews is being carved up
Next has been renamed Last
Stagecoach has come off the rails

TNT Transport has imploded
Mother Care has suffered from the effects of repeated high Street contraction
Mobil Oil ground to a halt
P & O Ferries renamed as P and ….. oooh!
E on is renamed as E perhaps…..on
Fat Face renamed as Bony Cheeks
Microsoft’s cash flow is a byte short of expectations
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned : The next time Charles gets married...someone warn the
Pope !!!
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?'
 
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature.'
 
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'

 
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times.'
 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
 
Man: 'What sins?'
 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to poach eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken....'
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.  I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.  If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.


"What's the quickest way to York?"


The local scratched his head.


"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.


"I'm driving."


"That's the quickest way!"
jubba
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Post by jubba »

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
   Thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
   Her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
   
   The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
   Perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
   
   Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
   Her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
   If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
   
   That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
   In the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
   What happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
   
   No response.
   
   So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
   Wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
   
   Still no response.
   
   Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
   Wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
   
   Again he gets no response.
   
   So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
   what's for dinne r?" Again there is no response.
   
   So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
   
   
   (I just love this)
   
   "Ralph, for the FIFTH  time, CHICKEN!"
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.  
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. 'That is Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful people, the World's best football teams, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the World's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God started laughing fit to burst and said through tears streaming down his face, 'You should see what I've put in France!'
simplespud
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Post by simplespud »

A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts,

'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now.'

He looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now? does it look like i have  'powergen' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'

'fine!'

Then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close right'
to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door? does it look like i have 'fridgidaire' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'

'fine!' she says
'then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? they are about to break'

'i'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead? i don't think so!
i've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'

so he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours................

he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. he offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'

he said, 'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

She replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'
melter65
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And That's How The Fight Started...............

Post by melter65 »

And That's How The Fight Started...............


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What‘s on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************ ************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
On her way to the grocer, I asked my wife to buy me a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Ben
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Post by Ben »

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple!
UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flash light around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shon his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
'Moses,' replied the bird.
Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
The parrot replied, 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus!'
Last edited by UBT - Mikee on Sat Aug 29, 2009 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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UBT - Rick Horn
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A selection of jokes from The Mail On Sunday

Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

A lot of people say I`m egocentric. But enough about them.



Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she`d popped her clogs.



I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said "Television For Sale - £1 - Volume Stuck On Full".
I thought, I can`t turn that down.



A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.
When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.



It`s easy to distract fat people.
It`s a piece of cake.
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

A nice set of 'groaners' there, Rick! :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the California Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said: "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said: "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so on." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said: 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'.

The detective shook his head and said: "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!".

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said: 'What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'.

'Yes! He only has one ear!'.

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed: 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'.

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said: 'This is probably a waste of time, but...'. He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying: 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'.

The blonde said: 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said: 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'

The blonde rolled her eyes and said: 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
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Post by hgblade »

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

------------------------------------------

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to annoy them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.
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UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

Nice one! Is there another instalment?
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

UBT - Mikee wrote:Nice one! Is there another instalment?
I don't have another installment, but there is this:

10 reasons why dogs and cats are better than kids:

1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.

And finally,
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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david
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Post by david »

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags
and once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are £20
notes falling out of that bag...'

'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I
can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto
the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his
thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' '

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in
the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

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Post by patience »

Customer: I have been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number from, sir?
Customer: It was on the door to the Travel Center.
Operator: Sir, they are our opening hours.



Referee report: "This paper contains much that is new and much that is true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is not true."



Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98.



Doctor implants a New Ear to a man.

Man: You idiot, you gave me a woman's ear

Doctor: It makes no difference

Man: It does,Now I hear everything

but understand nothing


Hope you have enjoyed it.
UBT - Mikee
Marvin the Dalek
Posts: 4395
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its
employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a
computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious.
The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor as they read;

especially the last couple of sentences.





Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because
of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in
mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy
customer
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

3 guys are waiting to be admitted to heaven. St Peter explains that as it's such a huge place everyone gets given transport, but the quality of transport depends upon how good you were to your other half.

The first guy steps up, tells St Peter that he was completely faithful throughout his married life - and gets given the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce.

The second guy is called, and he admits to one case of infidelity. St Peter admonishes him, but decides he can have nearly-new BMW.

The last guy admits that he was unfaithful on numerous occasions, at almost every opportunity. St Peter looks at him with disdain, then hands him the keys to a battered Reliant Robin.

A few days later the guy with the Robin comes upon the first guy, sat in his car in tears."What's wrong?", he asks, "You've got such a great car. Has it broken down?".

"No", sobs the Rolls driver, "My wife just went by on a skateboard!"
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

"Gallows humour":

A deserter is just about to be blindfolded before being shot.
The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks if he has any last requests.
The deserter says that he would like to sing a song, a request which was granted.
He started: A million green bottles, hanging on a wall .......


The condemned man and the hangman were just about to leave the cell block to go outside over the yard to the execution shed when the heavens opened.
The condemned man complained bitterly that we was going to be soaked  by the rain before his execution, to which the hangman replied, "What about me, I`ve got to walk back in it!"
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

Two blondes talking;

1st blonde: "I had a pregnancy test yesterday"

2nd blonde: "Oh! Were the questions difficult?"

:roll:
UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

Not a joke but seems that magistrates do sometimes have a sense of humour!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/north_east/8595354.stm
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

I couldn`t resist this one!  :oops:

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Last edited by UBT - Rick Horn on Fri Apr 22, 2011 3:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Rotwang1985
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Post by Rotwang1985 »

UBT - Rick Horn wrote:I couldn`t resist this one!  :oops:
In response I recommend http://www.sandyballs.co.uk/
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

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UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

Nick Clegg on EBay!

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll? ... 500wt_1182

Check out the questions/answers!
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david
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Post by david »

Sorry couldn't resist this one :lol:  :lol:


A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Ben
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Post by Ben »

lol David!  :lol:

Where is the 'I like' button??  :D
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

Mmmm ... can't let that go!!  :lol:

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
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david
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Post by david »

:lol:  :lol:   non-partisan this one


Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'  The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
' Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
UBT - bobuk
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
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Post by UBT - bobuk »

o very sexist :)


Why do women have small feet ?








So they can get nearer to the sink............;)








b. :D
UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

A man goes into his local pub and takes a seat at the bar.
He turns to a woman next to him and says "I`m celebrating a special day today."

"What a coincidence," the woman replies."I`m celebrating too." She clinks glasses with him then asks:"So, what are you celebrating then?

"Well, I`m a chicken farmer," he replies. "For years, all my hens were infertile, but today, they`re finally fertile.

"What a coincidence," the woman chuckles. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for ages, and today my doctor told me I`m pregnant.
Tell me, how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she smiles. "I did the very same thing."
UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

The perks of being 60+


1: Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2: In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3: People call you at 9PM and ask, did I wake you?

4: People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5: There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6: Things you buy now won`t wear out.

7: You can live without sex, but not your glasses.

8: You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

9: You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

10: You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

11: You sing along with elevator music.

12: Your eyes won`t get much worse.

13: Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

14: Your joints are more accurate than meteorologists on the national weather service.

15: Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can`t remember them either.

16: Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

17: You can`t remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And remember:

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A SLEEPING PILL AND A LAXATIVE ON THE SAME NIGHT.
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.  
 
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'  
 
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australia stood up
in the rear of the plane.
 
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped....
   
Then, he spoke: 'Iron this will you -- and then get me a beer’.
david
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Post by david »

It sure doesn't take long
    Couldn't resist posting this

  HUMILATION

A bloke walks into a brothel and says:"I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"The madam replies $60."Wow, what do I get for that," he says.She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian Cricket XI shirt.
 


  David
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

OK, at least you started it!

What do you call an Australian cricketer with a hundred to his name?
.
.
.
.
.
A bowler
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT?


IN AN OFFICE:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....PLEASE USE THE FLOOR BELOW.

IN A LAUNDROMAT:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.


IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

IN AN OFFICE:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY, PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

IN AN OFFICE:
AFTER TEA BREAKS, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

OUTSIDE A SECONDHAND SHOP:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

NOTICE IN HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

NOTICE IN A FARMER`S FIELD:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - BELL DOESN`T WORK.)
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I just had a visit from the police. The officer showed me a photo and said, "Is this your wife, Sir?"

I said, "Yes, it is."

"I'm very sorry, Sir," said the officer "but it looks like she has been in a car accident."

"I know," I said, "but she has a lovely personality."
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Did you know that if you got all the members of the UK BOINC Team together and laid them end-to-end along the main runway at Heathrow airport...


...nobody would be in the least bit surprised.
UBT - Mikee
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Subject: New Scam

Post by UBT - Mikee »

Subject: New Scam

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

NEWS FLASH!

Japanese technicians claim to have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

An old man goes to a drug store to get some well known male potency drug.
"Can I have 6 tablets , cut into quarters?"
"I can cut them for you", said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection".

"I`m 96" said the old man. "I don`t want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don`t piss on my slippers."
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Post by UBT-mark3346 »

The Greek government have decided to stop the production of Taramasalata and Humus in an attempt to avoid a double dip recession
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking alcohol.
It scared the hell out of me!
So that`s it, from now on, no more reading!
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Post by UBT - The Prof.... »

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' with the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Coby. "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"...
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Post by hgblade »

An old guy, living alone in Chicago, wants to plant his vegetable patch at the start of the season. He used to get help from his son, but Jake is in prison now, doing a long stretch for the murder of a couple of mobsters . Still, with no prospect of help from anyone else, he decides to tackle the hard digging by himself but before starting writes his regular letter to his son, telling him of his intentions.

A few days later he's surprised to get a letter back so quickly, and startled to read "Dear Dad, don't go digging up that garden - that's where the bodies are buried."

The following morning the old man is woken by the sound of FBI agents carefully digging up the garden. After a day's intensive activity, during which nothing is found, the agents apologise to the guy and leave him in peace.

The following day he receives another letter from his son: "Hi Dad, sorry about the commotion yesterday, but it was the best I could do under the circumstances - go ahead and plant your vegetables now!"
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I had a hell of a night last night. I was in a seedy bar drinking God knows what and ended up going back to my hotel with a couple of Thai girls.

I thought I'd won the lottery when I found 6 matching balls!
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and we had the most amazing sex ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!
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Post by Zydor »

rofl ..... nice one :)
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I went out to eat at Anthony Worrel-Thompson's restaurant last night and had a lovely piece of cake...

...it was stollen.

A list of ingredients for the cake can be found on the BBC news website.

Chris.
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I rang my local toy store yesterday and asked if they had a model of the Costa Concordia.

"Yes," was the reply.

"Great," I said, "can you put it on one side for me."
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Post by hgblade »

Why women have two hands ........

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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot

The young family`s 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her "pay packet" home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day, to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her "work" on the building site, and the fact she had a "pay packet".
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We`re building a big house.

"My goodness", said the cashier, "and will you be working on the house again next week?"
The child thought for a moment, then she said seriously;
"I think so, provided those w***ers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks".
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Post by hgblade »

Little Billy was fascinated by the fire brigade and everything connected with it. Every day he would go down to the local fire station and watch the men polishing the fire engines and doing their general duties. Whenever the alarm sounded he would stand well clear and watch as they got on board and drove off with the sirens blaring.

Then one day he came home bursting with excitement. His mother wondered what had happened.

"The firemen have given me a job, Ma!" he explained.

"What, sweeping up in the yard?" his mother asked.

"No, Ma, they said some important piece of equipment had broken and until they get it fixed they needed me to help out!"

Billy's mother couldn't work out what that meant and Billy didn't know any more, so she decided to pop down to the fire station the next day to see what was going on. When she got there she couldn't see Billy so she went into the yard to ask one of the firemen. But just at that moment the alarm went off and everybody dropped what they were doing and scrambled aboard the fire engines. As the first one pulled out, she spotted Billy clinging to the roof. He saw her and a big smile spread across his face.

"Look up here! It's me, Ma, me, Ma, me, Ma, me, Ma..."
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Post by hgblade »

I swear I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb singing while I tended to my herb garden this morning.


Turns out it was just the chive talking!
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. 'Ah, Pierre’ asks one, ' ‘ow ‘av you been doing?'

'Merde!' answers Pierre. 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground.'

'And zen what 'appened?' inquires his mate.

'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'.

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'

'And zen what 'appened?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp!'.'

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet.'

'What 'appened zen?' asks his mate. 'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said:  'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.'.'

'Ooooh!' says his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'

'A leetle, at ze beginning.'
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Post by Woodles »

What shouldn't you say to a woman in labour?

Do you need to make that much noise?
Is it hurting?
Do you really need drugs?
I'm just going down the pub, text me when yer done luv.
I'm just off to get a sandwich.
Will you keep the screaming down I'm trying to watch the football.
S M I L E "...................Click!
I feel your pain.
So, when are we having another one?
Hold fire, I'm off to get a chair, my feet are killing me.
Doesn't seem as painful as people make out.
Shove up love , I'm knackered.
Now you know how I felt when I had man flu.
Could you ask the midwife for some paracetamol when she came back as I've got a bit of a headache.
I just need to phone Paul to explain how to fit those solar panels.
How long's this likely to go on?
Can you stop squeezing my hand, it REALLY hurts.
Look, I'm just getting in the way here, aren't I?
Hurry up I need a shirt ironing.
A man wouldn't make this much fuss/noise.
Do you fancy going to the pictures at the weekend ?"
It's easier if you relax.
When's dinner?
This is hard work.
Myleene Klass didn't seem to whinge so much.
How much is all this going to cost me?
Do I have to be here?
It's not as bad as being kicked in the nuts.
Goodness me, you really are the little drama queen, aren't you?
My first wife didn't make all this fuss!
Can you get a bit of video of me, its been all of you so far...

When my wife had given birth, I looked to the Midwife, 'Tell me, when do you think we'll be able to have sex?' She turned to me and said, 'Meet me in the car park in 15 minutes.'
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Post by david »

The Great Australian Drover


Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

  Love it good Aus humour

  David
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Post by david »

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A  bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me, Miss. Dey ye hae ony books on suicide ?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Bugg3r off !!  Ye'll no bring it back !!"


David
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

One day Bruce and Bruce are sitting on a wall by the roadside in rural Australia when a car, driven by a well-dressed Swiss man, evidently lost pulls up beside them. The driver wound down the window and said, "Excuse-moi, parlez vous francais, s'il vous plait?"

He was greeted with a stony silence and two bewildered looks and so he tried again, "Sprechen-sie deutch bitte?"

Same reaction. So, he soldiered on. "Parli per favore italiani?"

Silence. Now exasperated, he tried one more time. "Qué les hablas por favor españolas?"

Nothing. Disgusted, he wound up his window and drove off. After a couple of minutes Bruce turned to Bruce and says, "You know Bruce, I think maybe we should try learning a foreign language."

Bruce replied, "Why bother? That bloke knew four and it didn't do him any good did it?"
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I was chatting with my granddad the other day and he was telling me that he met Gandhi many years ago when he was out in India. He said what a great man Gandhi was but he was very frail and had terribly bad breath because of his poor diet and he had dreadful feet which were all gnarled because he used to walk everywhere bare footed.

In fact, you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I'm really sorry about that guys - it's been a bit of a quiet day.

Chris.
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.  As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

My wife went to get some Tesco burgers out of the freezer last night for our tea. She opened the freezer and said, "They're off!"

She then said to me, "Do you want anything on your burger?"

I said, "Yeah, a fiver each way."

As I was eating my burger I found some plastic in it. It turned out to be My Little Pony.
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Post by hgblade »

I went to my local Tesco Express today where I know all the staff, and was told they'd had endless people poking fun.

However, I didn't help. At the checkout on being asked if I wanted a carrier bag I replied "Neigh"  :roll:  Best I could come up with at that moment!
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Horsey, Horsey, don't you stop
You'll end up in a Tesco shop...
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Post by david »

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to read his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old man top that, they thought.

The aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent;
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one, and tim buktu.

The aboriginal won hands down.

 David
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

We haven't had a joke for a while so...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"  

The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Post by UBT-mark3346 »

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:
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Post by hgblade »

"Give it to me ... please", she implored. "Give it to me ... I'm so f***ing wet ... NOW. Give it to me NOW!!!!"

Well, she could scream as much she liked, but I'm still keeping the umbrella. (What did you think I was on about???)
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

:D

That is very much like the kind of thing in '50 Sheds of Grey'...

I was excited but nervous. I’d finally been accepted into the BDSM community - Builders, Decorators and Shed Maintenance.

We each drop our keys into the bowl. Before long we’ll be entering a world of forbidden delights. God, I love these shed-swapping parties.

I looked down at her. She’d been on her hands and knees for an hour. Finally I spoke. ‘Are you sure you lost your contact lens in here?’

'You're obsessed!' she cried, storming out, 'You love this shed more than me!' Obsessed? Ridiculous. Shed be back. I mean, she'd be back…

We tried various positions- round the back, up against a wall, but the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed.

She stood before me, naked in my shed. ‘I’m yours for today,’ she gasped, ‘You can do whatever you want with me.’ So I took her to Nando’s.
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Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote::D

That is very much like the kind of thing in '50 Sheds of Grey'...
There's a few more quotes from this splendid book here:

http://www.dailydawdle.com/2012/07/hila ... ey-on.html

and check out their Twitter feed @50ShedsofGrey

UPDATE: Another good read is "50 Sheds of Hay" so check out this link:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/40616/50-shades-of-hay


regards
Tim
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

My wife caught me looking at a website of a disreputable nature the other day. She was furious. She said that if she ever caught me on the site again she'd bang my b****y head against the keyboard;klag;hw;erjkgh;hb;kjdfhb;khjitjhg;kdnb;klsjh;jhkldfnb/,zmcvn b/,dm'gaerhqijhqejhbldkfmb/lksdfjhwitjh'ksgnblkjsr;tjh'isjhb'ldfbjihb;jkbh;afkjbh;kjfb;kejhb;kjehb;kjadfnb;jkaehgpurthgmfnh.jfbgjkfbvnv;iorghrnbmf b.;adfkh b;a
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Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:My wife caught me looking at a website of a disreputable nature the other day. She was furious. She said that if she ever caught me on the site again she'd bang my b****y head against the keyboard;klag;hw;erjkgh;hb;kjdfhb;khjitjhg;kdnb;klsjh;jhkldfnb/,zmcvn b/,dm'gaerhqijhqejhbldkfmb/lksdfjhwitjh'ksgnblkjsr;tjh'isjhb'ldfbjihb;jkbh;afkjbh;kjfb;kejhb;kjehb;kjadfnb;jkaehgpurthgmfnh.jfbgjkfbvnv;iorghrnbmf b.;adfkh b;a

You're not inferring that THIS site is "disreputable" are you ?? ;-)

(Else why would she be banging your head against the keyboard while you were writing that !!)

(/pedant mode)

regards
Tim
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A Yorkshireman goes into the chemist and says, "Have you got any arse cream?"

The chemist replied, "Yes, Sir. We have Magnum or Cornetto."
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

On the news this morning...

Historical researchers have found evidence that William Tell and his family were very keen crown green bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records have been destroyed and so we may never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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Post by rich2000k »

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role-play action babe?" she asked with a wink."Not really" I replied. "Oh, come on" she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want. Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake; however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...as I shouted: "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A woman goes into the fishmonger and says, "I'd like a pound of cod please."

"I'm afraid we're out of cod at the moment, ma'am" said the fishmonger.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure. I sold the last piece just 20 minutes ago."

"Can you just check in the back and see if you've got a small piece left?"

The fishmonger goes out to the back and returns 30 seconds later. "There's definitely no cod out there" he said.

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes I am sure and I can prove it. How many Ds are there in 'haddock'?"

"Two" said the woman a little confused.

"How many Es are there in 'herring'?"

"One" said the woman.

"And how many Fs are there in 'Cod'?"

"But there is no F in cod" said the woman.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last five minutes" said the fishmonger triumphantly.
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Post by Zydor »

rofl ...... nice one

.... and so regrettably true in this Age of self inflated ego's :)
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler, approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked his lordship.

"Aplomb”, my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain.  I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

”I remember the occasion very well, my lord.  It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.”

”Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will picked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

”I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”

”While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

”That evening the pr*ck on his thumb was so sore, at dinner Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.”

”Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling, is your pr*ck still throbbing?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!  Now that is aplomb!”
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
[off topic] We had this argument several years ago - http://forum.ukboincteam.com/viewtopic. ... censorship - I had a separate rant but I can't find it just at the mo. Personally, I think we should switch off the profanity filter now as the forum is mature enough to take it. I doubt anyone under 18 would be offended by anything said here.
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Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
Hi Chris,

The forum uses a small number of replacement words, for those extreme words that are not very nice to be displayed on a forum that is supposed to be about mostly BOINC projects....

...and there are plenty of other forums and websites where all manner of language is expressed and tolerated.

However, I have to agree with you on the subject of the word "prick", which is (I think) only mildly offensive, so I've removed that one....and I also removed the word "prat" as that too isn't really that offensive.

Hope that's OK.

regards
Tim
UBT - Rick Horn
Posts: 17206
Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 1:00 am

Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

UBT - Timbo wrote:
UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
Hi Chris,

The forum uses a small number of replacement words, for those extreme words that are not very nice to be displayed on a forum that is supposed to be about mostly BOINC projects....

...and there are plenty of other forums and websites where all manner of language is expressed and tolerated.

However, I have to agree with you on the subject of the word "prick", which is (I think) only mildly offensive, so I've removed that one....and I also removed the word "prat" as that too isn't really that offensive.

Hope that's OK.

regards
Tim
The word "prat" could be offensive if your name happens to be Prat or Pratt, (like my ex boss.)  :D
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