Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
melter65
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Joke Thread

Post by melter65 »

I thought it was time we had somewhere to post jokes that we see on other forums that we want to share with others! :lol:

I'll kick it off with this;
Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.............................. The study of paintings.

Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die.

Benign...............................What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan............................ Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize.......................... Made eye contact with her.

Colic................................ A sheep dog.

Coma............................... A punctuation mark.

Dilate............................... To live long.

Enema.............................. Not a friend.

Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else.

Fibula............................... A small lie.

Impotent........................... Distinguished, well known. Labour

Pain..................................Getting hurt at work. Medical

Staff.................................. A Doctor's cane.

Morbid............................... A higher offer.

Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates.

Node................................ I knew it.

Outpatient......................... A person who has fainted.

Pelvis............................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative................... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room................... Place to do upholstery.

Rectum............................. Nearly killed him.

Secretion.......................... Hiding something.

Seizure............................. Roman emperor.

Tablet.............................. A small table. Terminal

Illness.............................. Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour.............................One plus one more.

Urine............................... Opposite of you're out.

2xCondoms........................To be sure, to be sure
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

Phil and Karen were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Phil suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Karen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Phil out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Karen's heroic act,she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Karen the news she said, "Karen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Phil, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."



Karen replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.



How soon can I go home?"
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

OLD MAN AND THE BEAVER



A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 22-year old Bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"


The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a Season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"


The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver".


The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

A short one, but good all the same!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.
The bartender says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"
The pirate says, "Argh, it's driving me nuts!"
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

Man in hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

'Nurse' he mumbles, 'are my testicles black?'

Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand, testicles in the other. She takes a good close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them Sir'

Man pulls off the oxygen mask and says very slowly,

'Thanks for that, it was just wonderful, but listen very very closely and carefully....are-my-test-re-sults-back?'
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Post by Woodles »

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Damn, I forgot the condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

'Don't be stupid,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
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Post by melter65 »

:thumbright:  :laughing3:  :lol:
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Post by UBT - mickyb69 »

ImageImageImage
cris keys
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Post by cris keys »

A penguin takes his car to a garage and the mechanic says he needs a hour to look at it. So the penguin to kill some time wanders across the road to an ice cream parlour, because penguins just love ice cream. Now because a penguin has no hands the poor guy ends up getting it all over his beak.
So he goes back to the mechanic who tells him "Well it looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin replies "No it's just a little ice cream."
NaRyan
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New English

Post by NaRyan »

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Post by UBT-mark3346 »

A small guy steps into an elevator,
looks up and notices this huge dude standing next to him.

The big dude looks down upon the small guy and
says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle,
3 pound right testicle, Ben Dover."

The small guy faints.
The big guy reaches down picks him up, brings him to by
slapping his face and shaking him and asks,
" What's wrong with you?"

The small guy, color drained from his face says,
"Excuse me but what did you say just then?"

The big dude looks down at him and repeats,
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle,
3 pound right testicle, Ben Dover."

The small guy says, "Oh thank God for that! I thought you said 'Bend Over'
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Woodles
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Post by Woodles »

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in, we haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, cheers!'

They quickly downed their drinks then Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!
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Purplepixii
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Post by Purplepixii »

Continuing the Oirish theme:


An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...          

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.  

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10      pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....  

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,  how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'            

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman



                    (Wait for it...........scroll down.)

   









'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
Timby
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Post by Timby »

Not really a Joke more a mission Statement

MEN:
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be King.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another public loo because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £ 1000. Morning suit rental £150.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
You have something to play with in your pocket all the time.
Your tummy usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a penknife.
You know how wide your car is.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache....
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it.
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Enjoy Gents Image
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Post by UBT - bobuk »

Old Jimmy wants to become a morris dancer in the village troup.
But there is no room for him till some one leaves..
Each week he calls in at the village hall and keeps asking,
but gets the same answer "when someone leaves you will be first in"...
So the weeks turn into months.... but finally someone leaves the morris troup,
and Jimmy gets the offer of joining....
The head morris dancer tells Jimmy he has to go get a medical first before joining..
So Jimmy makes an appointment with the doctor for Tuesday morning..
Tuesday comes round and off Jimmy goes to see the doc..
"So you come for your medical before joing our morris troup let me sound your heart..
well that sounds ok"...
"move your wrists about as those hankies get heavy after a while...
yes wrists ok" ...
"move your ankels as those bells are heavy  after dancing all day...
ankels ok" says the doctor...
"now drop your pants", so Jimmy does as the doc says..
"oh! " say the doc "i see you have been circumcised", "yes" says jimmy "is there a problem?"...
"yes" say the doctor............"you cannot be a morris dancer if you have been circumcised
because "................


wait for it .........








"you have to be a complete dick to be a morris dancer"






b. :D
NaRyan
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Takeout Small Talk

Post by NaRyan »

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."
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Post by Woodles »

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his aunt, but I'm really glad I came."
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Post by UBT-mark3346 »

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.  

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (you should read them aloud)  

English - Chinese


That's not right!                                              Sum Ting  Wong                                    
Are you harbouring a fugitive?                          Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP                                                   Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man                                                      Dum Fuk
Small Horse                                                     Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?                                  Wai Yu So Tan  
I bumped into a coffee table!                           Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift!                              Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here!                                      Wai So Dim  
I thought you were on a diet!                           Wai Yu Mun Ching  
This is a tow away zone!                                  No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week!          Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight                                         Lei Ying Lo  
He's cleaning his automobile                            Wa Shing Ka  
Your body odour is offensive                           Yu Stin Ki Pu  
Great                                                            Fa Kin Su Pa
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Post by UBT-mark3346 »

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Woodles
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Post by Woodles »

Two women were playing golf.

One tee’d off and watched in horror as her sliced ball headed straight for a foursome of men playing at the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin.

He fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed towards the man and began to apologise. "Please allow me to help, I’m am a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me" she told him.

“It's OK, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony lying in the foetal position still grasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and put them by his side, loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes then asked "how does that feel now?"

He replied   “It feels great ... but I still think that my thumb is broken!"
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Post by Woodles »

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat
to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.
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Ben
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Post by Ben »

There have been reports of a man falling down a well, police say they are looking into it.

Police station toilet stolen, cops have nothing to go on.

20 dogs reported missing, police say they have no leads.


Boom, boom! :lol:
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

Been reading the 'Basil Brush Bumper Joke Book' again, Ben? :wink:  :lol:  :lol:

Just make sure there's no jokes about those nice, friendly, honest Travelling Folk! :roll:  :evil:
Ben
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Post by Ben »

Breaking News:
2 corn flakes feared dead! Cereal killer though to be involved  :lol:
Timby
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Post by Timby »

Beer

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, pubs and other party-goes to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is being used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, and in large-quantity containers known as kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Most men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts with horrific looking women to whom they would never otherwise be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, but with a vague feeling that something bad has occurred. Other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a follow-up scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

PLEASE WARN EVERY MALE THAT YOU KNOW.

If you or someone you know have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in many towns where details of shocking encounters may be discussed in an open, frank, supportive manner with similarly affected men. For the support group nearest you, refer to the "Golf Courses" Section in your local yellow pages.
Timby
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Post by Timby »

And the last one for a Sunday goes like this -------

A new sign in the Bank lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash, without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is TRUE!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the
inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back
of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.
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Post by UBT-mark3346 »

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a  while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let  it go. But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a @@@@ing vet."
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Temujin
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Post by Temujin »

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong
side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the
bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situation considering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home
from work.

The bird looked at him and said,
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'Hi, Keith!'
:lol:
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

From another forum that I post on:

Modern Version of "Who's on First."
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... Some of you are experts but I think you'll still enjoy this.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' :shock:
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

An elderly couple, both in their 80s, turn up at a sex therapists and ask the theapist if he'll watch them having sex. After recovering from the initial surprise he adopts a professional attitude and duly obliges.

The couple have sex that goes on for some time, apparently without problems, and afterwards he admits that he's impressed with their performance.

A week later the couple return and ask the therapist again if he'll watch them perform. Once more the session is regarded by the therapist as a great success, and the couple happily go on their way.

This continues for several more weeks and on every occasion the therapist tells them that all is working well, and they have nothing to worry about.

Eventually, however, the therapist's curiosity has to be sated. When the couple return he asks them why they feel it necessary to keep returning when they clearly have no problems with their sex life.

"Well", said the old lad, "it's like this. We're both married to somebody else. A room at Holiday Inn costs $100, but you only charge us $50 - and I can get $40 back from Medicare!".
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melter65
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Post by melter65 »

A Husband and wife are shopping in Asda when the man picks up a pack
of Stella and puts them into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife

"They're on offer, only £16 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife

and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £32 jar of face cream and
sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies...

"SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE ******* PRICE"
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

BBQ Night, The wife takes a night off!

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine....

(8 The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9)After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
UBT - bobuk
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
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Post by UBT - bobuk »

EVER WONDER............................
Where the human race is headed...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND........................
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap". (And that would be how???)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". (But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (And you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking this because???)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". (Talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.


b. :D
cris keys
Posts: 78
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Post by cris keys »

Guess where these came from :)

'The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.'

'Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.'

'We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left.'

'The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister’s question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.'

'Finally, it was revealed in a government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.'

(If you hadn't guessed)
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..


'And now a sketch, featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, whose wife tries not to bring out the beast in him, because she’s afraid of mice.'
UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

An oldie but goodie!

A man with a 25 inch long doodah goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."
So, the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my doodah is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies,
"I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. Say to the frog, 'will you marry me?'

When the frog says no, you will find five inches removed from your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He found the pond, and the frog and called out, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his doodah was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again...Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his doodah, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his doodah again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head,

"How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
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Post by melter65 »

Click on the thumbnail

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UBT - Timbo
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Contact:

Post by UBT - Timbo »

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working , too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.

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"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

regards

Tim
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

Another American map:

Image
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according
to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband / boyfriend / partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.
If you see your husband / boyfriend / partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile
on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife / girlfriend / partner along the way, shake willy at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy
and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the
whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
If you pass wife / girlfriend / partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed

(You know that's how it's done)
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Post by melter65 »

UBT - Rick Horn wrote:Lol. How true!
I always tell Our Lass that the coarse hairs stuck in the soap are my chest hairs, hope she doesn't read this! :lol:  :lol:
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal w hat the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'


Principal: ' What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

The three ages of man:

Tri-Weekly

Try Weekly

Try Weakly

( sadly, I`m now in section 3)   :oops:
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humour."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little a**h*le on your knee!"
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

Paddy and his wife have just celebrated their silver wedding by having a long weekend in Paris.
They board their Ryanair flight back to Dublin and are just settling in to watch the in-flight movie, when the captain breaks in to announce "ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has developed a fault and has had to be shut down. There is no need to panic as we can fly perfectly well on 3 engines, but this will mean  we will be about 10 minutes late on the ground".
Paddy settles down again, but 10 minutes later, the captain makes another announcement. "Captain again, I`m sorry to have to tell you that another engine has developed a fault, but we can still fly safely on our 2 remaining engines, but the flight delay will be half an hour".
Paddy settles down yet again, but 20 minutes later, the captain breaks in again. "Ladies and gentlemen, I now have to tell you that a third engine has failed. This is quite serious. Dublin airport is being cleared of traffic so that we can land immediately without waiting for other aircraft, but due to our low airspeed, we will be at least 2 hours late".
Paddy says to his wife," Jesus Mary and Joseph, I hope that last engine holds out, or we`ll be up here all night".
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
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Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Tommy Cooper Jokes...

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
hgblade
Posts: 28463
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:00 am

Post by hgblade »

A couple were invited to a masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awoke without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. As her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every attractive girl he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive type herself, enticed him to leave his partner high and dry and devote his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wanted; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."
Image
melter65
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Posts: 3873
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Post by melter65 »

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si señor! Sometimes the bull wins!"
Ben
Posts: 1387
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:00 am

Post by Ben »

The Japanese banks are now facing the credit crunch... !


Banking uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded,

Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song,

while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Ben
Posts: 1387
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:00 am

Post by Ben »

Latest financial news!!!

Meanwhile, in Britain, FTSE 100 companies have been suffering more setbacks -

Orange has gone into liquidation
Imperial Tobbaco has gone up in smoke
First Group are now second best
The bubble has burst at Unilever
Cadbury shares are in meltdown
Bernard Matthews is being carved up
Next has been renamed Last
Stagecoach has come off the rails

TNT Transport has imploded
Mother Care has suffered from the effects of repeated high Street contraction
Mobil Oil ground to a halt
P & O Ferries renamed as P and ….. oooh!
E on is renamed as E perhaps…..on
Fat Face renamed as Bony Cheeks
Microsoft’s cash flow is a byte short of expectations
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned : The next time Charles gets married...someone warn the
Pope !!!
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?'
 
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature.'
 
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'

 
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times.'
 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
 
Man: 'What sins?'
 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to poach eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken....'
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you?  I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.  I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.  If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:00 am
Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.


"What's the quickest way to York?"


The local scratched his head.


"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.


"I'm driving."


"That's the quickest way!"
jubba
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Nov 27, 2008 12:00 am

Post by jubba »

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
   Thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
   Her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
   
   The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
   Perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
   
   Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
   Her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
   If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
   
   That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
   In the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
   What happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
   
   No response.
   
   So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
   Wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
   
   Still no response.
   
   Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
   Wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
   
   Again he gets no response.
   
   So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
   what's for dinne r?" Again there is no response.
   
   So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
   
   
   (I just love this)
   
   "Ralph, for the FIFTH  time, CHICKEN!"
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
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Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.  
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'
melter65
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Post by melter65 »

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UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
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Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. 'That is Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful people, the World's best football teams, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the World's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God started laughing fit to burst and said through tears streaming down his face, 'You should see what I've put in France!'
simplespud
Posts: 77
Joined: Fri Oct 24, 2008 1:00 am

Post by simplespud »

A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts,

'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now.'

He looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now? does it look like i have  'powergen' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'

'fine!'

Then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close right'
to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door? does it look like i have 'fridgidaire' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'

'fine!' she says
'then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? they are about to break'

'i'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead? i don't think so!
i've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'

so he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours................

he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. he offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'

he said, 'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

She replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'
melter65
Active UBT Contributor
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And That's How The Fight Started...............

Post by melter65 »

And That's How The Fight Started...............


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What‘s on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************ ************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
On her way to the grocer, I asked my wife to buy me a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Ben
Posts: 1387
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:00 am

Post by Ben »

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple!
UBT - Mikee
Marvin the Dalek
Posts: 4395
Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:00 am
Location: North Wales

Post by UBT - Mikee »

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flash light around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shon his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
'Moses,' replied the bird.
Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
The parrot replied, 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus!'
Last edited by UBT - Mikee on Sat Aug 29, 2009 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 1:00 am

A selection of jokes from The Mail On Sunday

Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

A lot of people say I`m egocentric. But enough about them.



Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she`d popped her clogs.



I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said "Television For Sale - £1 - Volume Stuck On Full".
I thought, I can`t turn that down.



A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.
When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.



It`s easy to distract fat people.
It`s a piece of cake.
melter65
Active UBT Contributor
Posts: 3873
Joined: Thu May 17, 2007 1:00 am

Post by melter65 »

A nice set of 'groaners' there, Rick! :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
hgblade
Posts: 28463
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:00 am

Post by hgblade »

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the California Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said: "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said: "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so on." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said: 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'.

The detective shook his head and said: "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!".

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said: 'What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'.

'Yes! He only has one ear!'.

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed: 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'.

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said: 'This is probably a waste of time, but...'. He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying: 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'.

The blonde said: 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said: 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'

The blonde rolled her eyes and said: 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
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hgblade
Posts: 28463
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:00 am

Post by hgblade »

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

------------------------------------------

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to annoy them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.
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UBT - Mikee
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

Nice one! Is there another instalment?
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

UBT - Mikee wrote:Nice one! Is there another instalment?
I don't have another installment, but there is this:

10 reasons why dogs and cats are better than kids:

1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.

And finally,
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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david
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Post by david »

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags
and once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are £20
notes falling out of that bag...'

'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I
can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto
the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his
thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' '

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in
the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'
UBT - Mikee
Marvin the Dalek
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

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patience
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Post by patience »

Customer: I have been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number from, sir?
Customer: It was on the door to the Travel Center.
Operator: Sir, they are our opening hours.



Referee report: "This paper contains much that is new and much that is true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is not true."



Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98.



Doctor implants a New Ear to a man.

Man: You idiot, you gave me a woman's ear

Doctor: It makes no difference

Man: It does,Now I hear everything

but understand nothing


Hope you have enjoyed it.
UBT - Mikee
Marvin the Dalek
Posts: 4395
Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:00 am
Location: North Wales

Post by UBT - Mikee »

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its
employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a
computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious.
The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor as they read;

especially the last couple of sentences.





Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because
of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in
mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy
customer
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

3 guys are waiting to be admitted to heaven. St Peter explains that as it's such a huge place everyone gets given transport, but the quality of transport depends upon how good you were to your other half.

The first guy steps up, tells St Peter that he was completely faithful throughout his married life - and gets given the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce.

The second guy is called, and he admits to one case of infidelity. St Peter admonishes him, but decides he can have nearly-new BMW.

The last guy admits that he was unfaithful on numerous occasions, at almost every opportunity. St Peter looks at him with disdain, then hands him the keys to a battered Reliant Robin.

A few days later the guy with the Robin comes upon the first guy, sat in his car in tears."What's wrong?", he asks, "You've got such a great car. Has it broken down?".

"No", sobs the Rolls driver, "My wife just went by on a skateboard!"
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

"Gallows humour":

A deserter is just about to be blindfolded before being shot.
The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks if he has any last requests.
The deserter says that he would like to sing a song, a request which was granted.
He started: A million green bottles, hanging on a wall .......


The condemned man and the hangman were just about to leave the cell block to go outside over the yard to the execution shed when the heavens opened.
The condemned man complained bitterly that we was going to be soaked  by the rain before his execution, to which the hangman replied, "What about me, I`ve got to walk back in it!"
melter65
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Posts: 3873
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Post by melter65 »

Two blondes talking;

1st blonde: "I had a pregnancy test yesterday"

2nd blonde: "Oh! Were the questions difficult?"

:roll:
UBT - Mikee
Marvin the Dalek
Posts: 4395
Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 12:00 am
Location: North Wales

Post by UBT - Mikee »

Not a joke but seems that magistrates do sometimes have a sense of humour!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/north_east/8595354.stm
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

I couldn`t resist this one!  :oops:

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Last edited by UBT - Rick Horn on Fri Apr 22, 2011 3:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
Rotwang1985
Posts: 117
Joined: Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:00 am

Post by Rotwang1985 »

UBT - Rick Horn wrote:I couldn`t resist this one!  :oops:
In response I recommend http://www.sandyballs.co.uk/
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

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UBT - Mikee
Marvin the Dalek
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Location: North Wales

Post by UBT - Mikee »

Nick Clegg on EBay!

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll? ... 500wt_1182

Check out the questions/answers!
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david
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Post by david »

Sorry couldn't resist this one :lol:  :lol:


A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Ben
Posts: 1387
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:00 am

Post by Ben »

lol David!  :lol:

Where is the 'I like' button??  :D
hgblade
Posts: 28463
Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:00 am

Post by hgblade »

Mmmm ... can't let that go!!  :lol:

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
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david
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Post by david »

:lol:  :lol:   non-partisan this one


Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'  The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
' Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
UBT - bobuk
Active UBT Contributor 10+ yrs
Posts: 3227
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Post by UBT - bobuk »

o very sexist :)


Why do women have small feet ?








So they can get nearer to the sink............;)








b. :D
UBT - Rick Horn
Posts: 17206
Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 1:00 am

Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

A man goes into his local pub and takes a seat at the bar.
He turns to a woman next to him and says "I`m celebrating a special day today."

"What a coincidence," the woman replies."I`m celebrating too." She clinks glasses with him then asks:"So, what are you celebrating then?

"Well, I`m a chicken farmer," he replies. "For years, all my hens were infertile, but today, they`re finally fertile.

"What a coincidence," the woman chuckles. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for ages, and today my doctor told me I`m pregnant.
Tell me, how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she smiles. "I did the very same thing."
UBT - Rick Horn
Posts: 17206
Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 1:00 am

Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

The perks of being 60+


1: Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2: In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3: People call you at 9PM and ask, did I wake you?

4: People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5: There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6: Things you buy now won`t wear out.

7: You can live without sex, but not your glasses.

8: You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

9: You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

10: You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

11: You sing along with elevator music.

12: Your eyes won`t get much worse.

13: Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

14: Your joints are more accurate than meteorologists on the national weather service.

15: Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can`t remember them either.

16: Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

17: You can`t remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And remember:

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A SLEEPING PILL AND A LAXATIVE ON THE SAME NIGHT.
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.  
 
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'  
 
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australia stood up
in the rear of the plane.
 
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped....
   
Then, he spoke: 'Iron this will you -- and then get me a beer’.
david
Posts: 569
Joined: Fri Mar 30, 2007 1:00 am

Post by david »

It sure doesn't take long
    Couldn't resist posting this

  HUMILATION

A bloke walks into a brothel and says:"I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"The madam replies $60."Wow, what do I get for that," he says.She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian Cricket XI shirt.
 


  David
hgblade
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Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:00 am

Post by hgblade »

OK, at least you started it!

What do you call an Australian cricketer with a hundred to his name?
.
.
.
.
.
A bowler
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UBT - Rick Horn
Posts: 17206
Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 1:00 am

Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT?


IN AN OFFICE:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....PLEASE USE THE FLOOR BELOW.

IN A LAUNDROMAT:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.


IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

IN AN OFFICE:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY, PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

IN AN OFFICE:
AFTER TEA BREAKS, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

OUTSIDE A SECONDHAND SHOP:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

NOTICE IN HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

NOTICE IN A FARMER`S FIELD:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - BELL DOESN`T WORK.)
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I just had a visit from the police. The officer showed me a photo and said, "Is this your wife, Sir?"

I said, "Yes, it is."

"I'm very sorry, Sir," said the officer "but it looks like she has been in a car accident."

"I know," I said, "but she has a lovely personality."
UBT - Chris Suddick
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
Posts: 698
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Location: Warrington, Cheshire

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Did you know that if you got all the members of the UK BOINC Team together and laid them end-to-end along the main runway at Heathrow airport...


...nobody would be in the least bit surprised.
UBT - Mikee
Marvin the Dalek
Posts: 4395
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Location: North Wales

Subject: New Scam

Post by UBT - Mikee »

Subject: New Scam

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

NEWS FLASH!

Japanese technicians claim to have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
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UBT - Rick Horn
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Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 1:00 am

Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

An old man goes to a drug store to get some well known male potency drug.
"Can I have 6 tablets , cut into quarters?"
"I can cut them for you", said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection".

"I`m 96" said the old man. "I don`t want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don`t piss on my slippers."
UBT-mark3346
Active UBT Contributor 15+ yrs
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Contact:

Post by UBT-mark3346 »

The Greek government have decided to stop the production of Taramasalata and Humus in an attempt to avoid a double dip recession
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