Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

I went to my local Tesco Express today where I know all the staff, and was told they'd had endless people poking fun.

However, I didn't help. At the checkout on being asked if I wanted a carrier bag I replied "Neigh"  :roll:  Best I could come up with at that moment!
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Horsey, Horsey, don't you stop
You'll end up in a Tesco shop...
david
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Post by david »

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to read his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old man top that, they thought.

The aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent;
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one, and tim buktu.

The aboriginal won hands down.

 David
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

We haven't had a joke for a while so...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"  

The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Post by UBT-mark3346 »

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:
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hgblade
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Post by hgblade »

"Give it to me ... please", she implored. "Give it to me ... I'm so f***ing wet ... NOW. Give it to me NOW!!!!"

Well, she could scream as much she liked, but I'm still keeping the umbrella. (What did you think I was on about???)
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

:D

That is very much like the kind of thing in '50 Sheds of Grey'...

I was excited but nervous. I’d finally been accepted into the BDSM community - Builders, Decorators and Shed Maintenance.

We each drop our keys into the bowl. Before long we’ll be entering a world of forbidden delights. God, I love these shed-swapping parties.

I looked down at her. She’d been on her hands and knees for an hour. Finally I spoke. ‘Are you sure you lost your contact lens in here?’

'You're obsessed!' she cried, storming out, 'You love this shed more than me!' Obsessed? Ridiculous. Shed be back. I mean, she'd be back…

We tried various positions- round the back, up against a wall, but the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed.

She stood before me, naked in my shed. ‘I’m yours for today,’ she gasped, ‘You can do whatever you want with me.’ So I took her to Nando’s.
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Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote::D

That is very much like the kind of thing in '50 Sheds of Grey'...
There's a few more quotes from this splendid book here:

http://www.dailydawdle.com/2012/07/hila ... ey-on.html

and check out their Twitter feed @50ShedsofGrey

UPDATE: Another good read is "50 Sheds of Hay" so check out this link:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/40616/50-shades-of-hay


regards
Tim
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

My wife caught me looking at a website of a disreputable nature the other day. She was furious. She said that if she ever caught me on the site again she'd bang my b****y head against the keyboard;klag;hw;erjkgh;hb;kjdfhb;khjitjhg;kdnb;klsjh;jhkldfnb/,zmcvn b/,dm'gaerhqijhqejhbldkfmb/lksdfjhwitjh'ksgnblkjsr;tjh'isjhb'ldfbjihb;jkbh;afkjbh;kjfb;kejhb;kjehb;kjadfnb;jkaehgpurthgmfnh.jfbgjkfbvnv;iorghrnbmf b.;adfkh b;a
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Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:My wife caught me looking at a website of a disreputable nature the other day. She was furious. She said that if she ever caught me on the site again she'd bang my b****y head against the keyboard;klag;hw;erjkgh;hb;kjdfhb;khjitjhg;kdnb;klsjh;jhkldfnb/,zmcvn b/,dm'gaerhqijhqejhbldkfmb/lksdfjhwitjh'ksgnblkjsr;tjh'isjhb'ldfbjihb;jkbh;afkjbh;kjfb;kejhb;kjehb;kjadfnb;jkaehgpurthgmfnh.jfbgjkfbvnv;iorghrnbmf b.;adfkh b;a

You're not inferring that THIS site is "disreputable" are you ?? ;-)

(Else why would she be banging your head against the keyboard while you were writing that !!)

(/pedant mode)

regards
Tim
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A Yorkshireman goes into the chemist and says, "Have you got any arse cream?"

The chemist replied, "Yes, Sir. We have Magnum or Cornetto."
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

On the news this morning...

Historical researchers have found evidence that William Tell and his family were very keen crown green bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records have been destroyed and so we may never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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Post by rich2000k »

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role-play action babe?" she asked with a wink."Not really" I replied. "Oh, come on" she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want. Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake; however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...as I shouted: "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A woman goes into the fishmonger and says, "I'd like a pound of cod please."

"I'm afraid we're out of cod at the moment, ma'am" said the fishmonger.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure. I sold the last piece just 20 minutes ago."

"Can you just check in the back and see if you've got a small piece left?"

The fishmonger goes out to the back and returns 30 seconds later. "There's definitely no cod out there" he said.

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes I am sure and I can prove it. How many Ds are there in 'haddock'?"

"Two" said the woman a little confused.

"How many Es are there in 'herring'?"

"One" said the woman.

"And how many Fs are there in 'Cod'?"

"But there is no F in cod" said the woman.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last five minutes" said the fishmonger triumphantly.
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Post by Zydor »

rofl ...... nice one

.... and so regrettably true in this Age of self inflated ego's :)
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler, approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked his lordship.

"Aplomb”, my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain.  I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

”I remember the occasion very well, my lord.  It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.”

”Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will picked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

”I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”

”While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

”That evening the pr*ck on his thumb was so sore, at dinner Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.”

”Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling, is your pr*ck still throbbing?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!  Now that is aplomb!”
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
[off topic] We had this argument several years ago - http://forum.ukboincteam.com/viewtopic. ... censorship - I had a separate rant but I can't find it just at the mo. Personally, I think we should switch off the profanity filter now as the forum is mature enough to take it. I doubt anyone under 18 would be offended by anything said here.
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Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
Hi Chris,

The forum uses a small number of replacement words, for those extreme words that are not very nice to be displayed on a forum that is supposed to be about mostly BOINC projects....

...and there are plenty of other forums and websites where all manner of language is expressed and tolerated.

However, I have to agree with you on the subject of the word "prick", which is (I think) only mildly offensive, so I've removed that one....and I also removed the word "prat" as that too isn't really that offensive.

Hope that's OK.

regards
Tim
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Post by UBT - Rick Horn »

UBT - Timbo wrote:
UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
Hi Chris,

The forum uses a small number of replacement words, for those extreme words that are not very nice to be displayed on a forum that is supposed to be about mostly BOINC projects....

...and there are plenty of other forums and websites where all manner of language is expressed and tolerated.

However, I have to agree with you on the subject of the word "prick", which is (I think) only mildly offensive, so I've removed that one....and I also removed the word "prat" as that too isn't really that offensive.

Hope that's OK.

regards
Tim
The word "prat" could be offensive if your name happens to be Prat or Pratt, (like my ex boss.)  :D
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I've just got back from seeing the doctor but it wasn't a very successful visit. He couldn't get to the bottom of what is wrong with me. After a while he said, 'Your symptoms are a little ambiguous; it could either be arthritis or dyslexia. What I want you to do is go home and look up dyslexia in a dictionary. If you find it then you've got arthritis."
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

FORUM MEMBERS:


How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the  coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello, Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today; we were
2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum. 'Let me tell you about my day…

'Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and
assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

'Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some
buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great  time!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say, Mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?! Sorry?!' says his mum. 'It's your fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

This site cracks me up every time I read them!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/ ... ggles-ever
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Post by UBT - Chris »

commas can save grandma:

Let's Eat Grandma
Let's Eat, Grandma
'UBT - Chris' is my old name - I now crunch as 'CaffeinatedSloth' but I'm still 100% UBT :D
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Post by hgblade »

It was just before Christmas and the trip had gone reasonably well, but I was ready to return home. The airport had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in my luggage I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe mind, but very cheap plastic imitation stuff with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the check-in girl "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir", she replied sarcastically, "look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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Post by UBT - Mikee »

BED OR CAKE

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE?  CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE OSRAM PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

HE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE INDESIT ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN, YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT, I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
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Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Mikee wrote:.
.
.
.
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
Hi Mikee

Who's Betty Crocker ?  :(

Does she make cakes?

regards
Tim
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Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum.

That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A week or two ago there was some talk in the forum about trying to encourage more nationalities to the forum. So, in an effort to promote multi-culturism here is the first french joke I ever heard/understood...

Pourquoi faire les Français prennent savon a l'eglise?

Pour l'avé Maria

(Warning - this joke does not make any sense in English)
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Hi all

I would guess that most would be aware of Ronnie Corbett's passing. :cry:

So, in tribute, here's a link to the BBC website and a list of some of his one liners:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-35935571

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I have a friend who has a ticket for the final of the Euros. Unfortunately,
when he bought it he didn't realise that it was the same date as his wedding
and now he's trying to find someone to go in his place. Do you know anyone?
If so, it is at St. Mary's church and her name is Louise.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I have a friend who has a ticket for the final of the Euros. Unfortunately,
when he bought it he didn't realise that it was the same date as his wedding
and now he's trying to find someone to go in his place. Do you know anyone?
If so, it is at St. Mary's church and her name is Louise.
That is very good....!!

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Last week my mate David had his ID stolen so now we call him Dav.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Cohen was lying on his death bed with his son dutifully by his side.

"Is that your mother's famous cookies I can smell? Be a good lad and get me one so that I can taste them one last time before I go," croaked the old man.

His son disappears downstairs and returns a minute later. "Mum say you can't have one. They're for the funeral."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Now that was good too !!

Just wish I could exchange a few, but for some reason I can never remember jokes... :-(

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

During a security briefing at the White House the defense secretary, Donald Rumsfeld breaks some tragic news. "Mr President. three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday while supporting U.S. troops."

"Oh no!" shrieks George W Bush and buries his head in his hands. After a moment he looks up an says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

What is the volume of an Italian meal with thickness 'a' and radius 'z''?

pi.z.z.a

(I'm really sorry about that but it has been a very quiet day)
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

And so it continues...

Jesus was talking to his disciples and said, "The kingdom of Heaven is like x^2 + 5x - 6."

Thomas looked confused and turned to Peter, "I don't understand. What does the teacher mean?"

Peter replied, "Don't worry, it's just another one of his parabolas."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Learning to count in binary is as easy as 1, 10, 11...
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Never drink alcohol whilst doing calculus because you should never drink and derive.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Speaking of which:

You know what I find odd? Numbers that are not divisible by 2 :-)
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Never trust an atom - they make up everything !!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

I got my Doctorate in Palindromes....I'm now Dr Awkward ;-)
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I went into the pub the other day and asked the barmaid for a double entendre...

...and she gave me one.
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Post by UBT - Timbo »

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says. You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms.

Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'

'I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop. '

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. '
What's up, love?' he asks.
'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.
'Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of fuckin Guinness.....
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

I was driving through Wales with a friend of mine who is dyslexic.

He was studying the road signs when all of a sudden he shouted,

"Fuck me, I'm cured."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl.

Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

hehehehehehehe :-(
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

The barkeeper asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeeper was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

and lastly for today, here's some blonde jokes.

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

Q: What's a blondes favorite bread?
A: Hump-per-nickel

Q: Why did the blonde douche with Crest?
A: She heard it reduces cavities.

Q: Why are blondes immune to men?
A: They've been inoculated so many times.

Q: What's a blondes favorite drink?
A: A penis colada.

Q: How do you know which blonde gives the best blow job?
A: Word of Mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your friends use your toothbrush.

Q: How did the blonde lawyer sway the judge?
A: She dropped her briefs.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde football player?
A: She was an excellent wide receiver.

Q: What did the blonde name her watchdogs?
A: Timex and Rolex.

Q: What's the difference between the wind and a blonde?
A: Some days the wind doesn't blow.

Q: Why did they call the blonde "Twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: Why do brunettes work hard to keep their figure?
A: No one else wants it.

Q: What's the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

Q: Why does a blonde wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means Stop.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite color?
A: Glitter.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realise she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They drowned in Spring training.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but you never see them.

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is being unfaithful?
A: Everybody in the neighborhood is going to the pharmacy for penicillin.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff?
A: She thought her maxi pad had wings

Q: Why did god give blonde's 2 more brain cells than he gave cows?
A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you play with their tits.

Q: What do you call a skeleton in a closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and seek winner!

Q: What is the difference between a 747 jumbo jet and a blonde?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747

Q: Why did the blonde have rectangular tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They don't like their brains being screwed with.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: By drowning it.

Q: A blonde is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: Why can't blondes water-ski?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q: What happens when you give 61 dollars to a blonde?
A: She wants 8 (ate) more.

Q: What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A: If either one of them end up on their back they are both f*cked.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Q: What is a blondes blood type?
A: Pink glitter.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blowjob with handlebars

Q. Why did the blonde shoot the clock?
A. To Kill time

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What does a blonde ask the doctor, in the maternity ward?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on.It's off.

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: What do you call a room full of blonde women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does the blonde turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: How does a blonde give a high-five?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: Who is the best blonde secretary in the world?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.

Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes change light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to re-inflate it!

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong!"

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the ninth grade; which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

A blonde told her girlfriend, "I was so worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. And I was so relieved when he told me that all I needed was blinker fluid!" (in UK we call them "turn indicators")

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" the blonde said "this chair has arms".

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

[url]source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ShortBlondejokes.html[/url]
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Little 9-year-old Johnnie's parents were having a bridge evening with the vicar and his wife so little Johnnie was sent off to bed after milk and biscuits so that the bridge could begin.

Not unreasonably, little Johnnie felt that he was missing out and after a few minutes he appeared downstairs saying that he needed some water because he was thirsty. Johnnie's mum excused herself and took Johnnie back up to bed and gave him glass of water before returning to the game.

Ten minutes later Johnnie reappeared saying that his room was too dark so his mum excused herself again and took Johnnie back to bed and left the door ajar with the landing light on before returning to the game.

Ten minutes later Johnnie appeared again with another excuse. At this point the vicar interrupted and said, "Maybe you'd like me to see to him?"

Johnnie's mum gratefully accepted the vicar's assistance and the vicar disappeared upstairs with Johnnie returning just a few minutes later and returned to the game.

There were no more interruptions during the rest of the evening. "I must say that you have a marvellous way with children, Vicar. What did you say to him to keep him so quiet?" asked Johnnie's mum at the end of the evening.

"Oh, nothing," said the vicar, "I just taught him to masturbate."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I was shopping in my local supermarket the other day and came across a new Korean vegetarian snack that I thought I would try.

It was Not Poodle.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

The theatre director was supervising rehearsals for the new play and calling out stage directions. At one point he calls, "Enter lady with candlestick right upper entrance."

At this the cast fall about laughing and he realises that it doesn't sound quite right. So, he scribbles an alteration on the script and gets the cast to restart the scene. When it comes to the crucial point he calls, "Enter lady with candlestick left upper entrance."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee »

Should I embarass you and say I don't understand - can you explain? :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Hi all

...and there was my smutty mind thinking the change in the script was going to be:

"Enter lady with candlestick at rear." ;-)

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee »

Nope - still don't get it... :) :twisted:
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Woodles »

UBT - Mikee wrote:Nope - still don't get it... :) :twisted:
It's obvious




















she wasn't a lady! :lol:
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

UBT - Timbo wrote:Hi all

...and there was my smutty mind thinking the change in the script was going to be:

"Enter lady with candlestick at rear." ;-)

regards
Tim
Actually Tim, changing the last bit to, "Enter lady with candlestick upper rear entrance" might be an improvement :lol:

Chris.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:Actually Tim, changing the last bit to, "Enter lady with candlestick upper rear entrance" might be an improvement :lol:

Chris.
I see what you did there Chris.... :o :whistle:

The only trouble I have is that most women I know have a sign over it saying "Exit only" :cry:

Nothing like a good double entendre though ;-)

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Hi all

Some of you might have been aware of a "less than PC" website called Sickipedia, which aimed to collect together as many jokes as possible, many of which are NSFW, NFSC, and every other "not safe for..." category you can think of.

Sadly the backend database failed over a year ago, but it's back now !!

http://www.sickipedia.net

Warning: This site might cause you to have issues with some of the subject matter...so, don't blame the messenger !!

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by hgblade »

Three nuns driving along a very long deserted road when they suddenly see the Devil stood in the middle of the road ahead.

The nun driving the car rapidly flashes her headlights, but the Devil shows no concern.

One of her companions tells the driver to blast the horn, but to no avail. The Devil remains unmoved, and as they're getting ever nearer now towers above them.

The senior nun, sat in the back, tells the driver "Quick, lean out of the window and show him your cross". So the driver winds down her window, leans out, and shouts "Get out of the b***ing way you f****ing moron."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I was playing bridge last night with an American friend and in every hand he bid 1 no trump.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by hgblade »

New rule for the American Bridge Association players - If you have a heart, bid no trump.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

What do you call a singer with a small d*ck?

Justin Beaver.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Did you know that when Charles Dickens wrote "A Tale of Two Cities", before it was published it was serialised in two local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, It was the Worcester Times.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

In tribute to the late, great Sir Ken Dodd, here's a link to the BBC website with 17 of his gags (although I know there are far, far more...) ;-) :

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-43370741

My fave of these is number 6 !!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Woodles »

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then asked her husband for a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

NOT a personal anecdote :P
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Woodles »

I have a friend in Afghanistan that has set up a business of converting landmines into prayer mats, prophets are through the roof!
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

A joke from a friend of mine on Facebook:

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."


(It helps to know some road names in/around Essex/Cambridgeshire)
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by Woodles »

Ah, but she wouldn't be able to reach that speed limit on the A14! :D
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

A mother is scolding her seven-year-old son.

"I've just heard from your teacher that you used the 'C' word in class. That wasn't clever was it?"

"No, it was c*nt."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

boldly (2).jpg
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote: Tue May 28, 2019 2:55 pm boldly (2).jpg
Hi Chris

hahahahaha !!

The way things are going, nothing is now assured within the UK...the Brexit party are on the rise, the Tories are in meltdown, Labour are running around like headless chickens, and the other parties are scooping up the left-overs and scraps.

Plus the Scots want independence and do their own deal with the EU - good luck with that !!

Maybe mainland UK should just undock it's fixed link to the Tartan army, pull up its anchor and sail away to somewhere a lot nicer...maybe somewhere in the middle of the South Pacific, with a warm climate and far enough away from Russia, China and N. Korea...?

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I am passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we could all use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Oi did as yu sed an folowed yur egsample...butt i coulddent find my fone sew i m jus sendin dis msg to u all - fink yu 4 the idear - i m jus waitin 4 the efx of the brandy lickyers to wer orf an I can drive mysel home ;-) hic
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I do voluntary work in a charity shop and the other day a donation came in entitled 'Tasteless Jokes'. So I bought it. This is an action some of you may come to regret...

How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes half the A & E department to remove it.

There may be more...

Chris
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

:techie-idea: >> :scared-eek: >> :auto-ambulance: >> :text-lol:
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Aninal rights activists claim that cutting a chicken's head off is cruel because it runs around in pain...
...Not if you cut its legs off first.

What should you do if a bird craps on your car?
Don't take her out again.

A blind man asks his mate, "What's 'F' in braille?"
His mate replies, "It's so we can read you daft tw*t."

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

A blonde takes her car to be repaired. The mechanic fixes it in 5 minutes.
"It was nothing serious," he said, "just shit in the air filter."
"OK, " she says. "How often?"

My mate is a homosexual agoraphobic. He's been trying to come out of the closet for 30 years.

Al-qaeda have hidden some bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti. Police have warned that if they go off it could spell disaster.

That's enough for now.

Chris.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Long version:

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"

"That was Thora Hird."












Short version:

A distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in the snow.

He prays to god for help and a woman appears in front of him.

She puts her arms around each cow and they defrost.

"Thank you" says the grateful farmer,"are you an angel sent by god?".

"No" says the woman,"I'm Thora Hird"


regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

And on a similar theme:

The Two Cows - a short tale of...:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...


regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Riding The Train
A lady from the city and her travelling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

Emergency Room
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That’s when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife,
"Hey! This looks like yours!"

Religious Cowboy
The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Two Cows in a field
Two cows were out in a field eating grass. One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!" "Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!"

Cow Riddle
My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course. She's been grazing in the field too long,... And now she thinks she's a horse.

Cow Short Jokes

Q: Why don't cows have any money? A: Because farmers milk them dry

Q: What did mama cow say to baby cow? A: It's pasture bedtime

Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and an upset cow? A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaad moooooood

Q: Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon? A: The farmer had cold hands

Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? A: Beef strokin' off

Q: What do you call it when a mad cow gets loose? A: Udder destruction!

Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: To get to the udder side.

Q: What do you call a cow you can't see? A: Camooflauged

Q: How easy is it to milk a cow? A: It's a piece of steak

Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter

Q: What do cows do while skiing? A: Moo-Guls!

Q: How do you make a milkshake? A: Give a cow a pogo stick

Q: What is a cow's favourite lunch meat? A: Bullogna

Q: What does a cow put on his french toast? A: Moooolasses

Q: What do you call an evil cow? A: De-mooooon

Q: Why was the cow so scared? A: Because he was a cow-ard

Q: What did the cow say to the cow tipping rednecks? A: Don't moooove a muscle

Q: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er

Q: Where do cows go for lunch? A: The calf-eteria

Q: What do you call a cow that can cut the grass? A: Mulan

Q: What do you call animal drinking with Justin Timberlake? A: TEA COW!

Q: There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. how many didn't? A: 10! 30 cows and 20 cows 8 chickens!!! get it?

Q: Which job is a cow most suited for? A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly

Q: "Where did the cows go last night"? A: "To the mooon"

Q: Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? A: On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

Q: What do you call a cow with an assistant? A: Moooooving up in the world

Q: Why can't a cow become a detective? A: They refuse to go on Steakouts!

Q: How does a cow get to the mooooon? A: It flies through udder space!

Q: What happens when you talk to a cow? A: It goes in one ear and out the udder!

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock

Q: What is a cows favorite colour? A: Maroooooooon

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A: To get chocolate milk

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? A: Peanut butter

Q: What do you call a really strong cow? A: Beefy

Q: What do you get when you walk under a cow? A: A pat on the head

Q: How does lady gaga like her steak? A: Raw raw raw raw raw

Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: Cause it didnt want Lady Gaga to make a meat dress out of him

Q: What are a cows favorite subjects in school? A: Moosic, psycowolgy, cowculus

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A: Milk and Quackers!

Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence A: Udder-Catastrophe

Q: Where do you find the most cows? A: Moo-York

Q: What do cows get when they are sick? A: Hay Fever

Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs? A: Because the cow has the udder

Q: What do you call a sad cow? A: Mooooved to tears

Q: Did you hear that Chuck Norris is a matador? A: He takes the bull by the horns

Q: Where did the bull lose all his money? A: At the Cowsino

Q: What did the cow say to the lousy renter? A: Moooooooooo your self out of here

Q: How can you tell which cow is the best dancer? A: Wait til one busts a moooooove

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that died with a bow and arrow in her hand? A: She hit the bull's eye

Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Their horns don't work

Q: What are the spots on black and white cows? A: Holstains

Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow? A: Milk of Amnesia

Q: What Is A Cows Favorite Type Of Math? A: Moo-tiplication

Q: Have you ever heard the term "When Pigs Fly!"...... A: Well what if it were "When Cows Fly!"

Q: Where do cows go when they want a night out? A: To the moo-vies!

Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef Jerky

Q: What were the cows doing under the tree? A: Talking about the latest moos

Q: What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed? A: Bull-dozin'

Q: What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning? A: "It's just an udder day"

Q: How does a farmer count a herd of cows? A: With a Cowculator

Q: Where do Russians get their milk? A: From Mos-cows

Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow? A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

Q: What's a cow's favorite moosical note? A: Beef-flat

Q: What did the cow say to the turtle? A: Get a moove on

Q: What do you call a cow that's afraid of the dark? A: A coward

Q: Why are cows so soft? A: Because they are made out of leather

Q: What do cows wear in Hawaii? A: Moo-moos

Q: How does one cow talk to another? A: Cow-munication

Q: What do call a cow that has just had a calf? A: Decalfenated

Q: Did you hear about the cow that wasn't interested in bulls? A: She was an Ho-Moo-Sexual.

Q: Where do cows get their weapons? A: Ar-moooo-ries

Q: Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck? A: Because her horn didn't work

Q: Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit? A: They called it the Herd Shot 'Round The World!

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A: A MILK DUD!

Q: What did the cow say when a person played the piano? A: That's good moooooosic.

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A: An udder failure

Q: What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? A: Ground Beef

Q: Where do cows get together? A: The meet market

Q: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A: a lawn moo-er

Q: What do you call a cow with full armor? A: Sir loin

Q: What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A: A steak-out!

Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs? A: Lean Beef

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all? A: Ground beef

Q: What band is a cow favorite? A: Moody Blues

Q: What do you call a grumpy cow? A: Moo-dy

Q: Why did cow jump over the moon? A: Because he wanted to skydive

Q: Why is the barn so noisy? A: Because all of the cows have horns

Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains? A: In the cow-boose

Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores? A: Mooooney

Q: What did one dairy cow say to another? A: Got milk?

Q: How to you know that cows will be in heaven? A: It's a place of udder delight.

Q: When is a farmer like a magician? A: When he turns his cow into pasture

Q: Why is a barn so noisy? A: All the cows have horns

Q: What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow? A: Blue cheese!

Q: What did the secret agent cow say to the other cow? A: Are you udder cover?

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? A: He's got no beef

Q: What animals do you bring to bed? A: Your calves

Q: What happened to the lost cattle? A: Nobody's herd

Q: Where does a cow stop to drink? A: The milky way!

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a lawnmower? A: A lawnmooer.

Q: What is a cows favorite holiday? Answer: Moomorial day

Q: How do you stop a bull from charging? A: Take away his credit card!

Q: Why don't you tell a cow a secret? A: Because it goes in one ear and out the udder!

Q: What does an invisible man drink? A: Evaporated milk!

Q: Why does the cow bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper

Q: What newspaper do cows read? A: The Daily Moos

Q: What do you find a gallery of cows? A: The mooseum

Q: What is a cows favorite year? A: Moo thousand seventeen

Q: What do you call half a cow? A: a calf

Q: What was the first animal in space? A: The cow that jumped over the moon!

Q: What is it when one cow spies on another cow? A: A steak out

Q: What do you call a magic cow? A: Moodini

Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard? A: It Cowlapses!

Q: What is the difference between a car and a bull? A: A car only has one horn

Q: What do you get when you give pasta to a cow? A: Beefaroni

Q: What did one cow say to the other? A: Mooooooove over!

Q: Did you hear the song about Mad Cow disease? A: It's insane in the methane, insane in the brain

Q: What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom? A: A cow walking backwards!

Q: What do you call an arab next to a cow? A: Milk Sheikh!

Q: Where does a cow stay when it is on vacation? A: A moo-tel!

Q: Why was the cow sad? A: She was moody

Q: Did you know that cows love Marvin Gaye? Yeah, I herd it through the bovine

Q: What do cows read in the mornings? A: The moospaper

Q: What did the farmer say to the cow? A: Produce some milk

What did Gladdis the cow say to Brenda the cow when her boyfriend the Bull cheated on her? How Dairy!

30 cows on a farm. 28 chicken how many didn't? 2 because 20 ate chicken

Why do cows have long faces? Because you would have a long face too, if your tits were getting pulled twice a day

Are you the head of your gang when it rains because you keep each udder dry

A husband and wife cow are mad at each other so the husband says to his wife: "You udder hear me out"

If you didn't like that cow joke don't worry, I've got udders

A man is walking his cow out to pasture. He turns to him and says "Do you know in some countries they put cows on a pedestal?" The cow turns and says "And here they are going to put me on a grill"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/cowjokes.html
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Apparently, one day last week was International Female Orgasm Day. I organised a party for it but nobody came.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by chriscambridge »

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I was talking to a chap yesterday from the Flat Earth Society. He told me that they have thousands of members around the globe.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee »

Hi

Just going through some very old emails and found this to amuse you.

Mike

How to Give a Cat a Pill

Step one, grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill in mouth.

Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

Follow same procedure as in step one, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

Retrieve cat from under bed. Get a new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

Again proceed as in step one, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your body over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

Leave cat hanging on drapes, Leave pill in your hair.

If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

Now, pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position from step one, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cats mouth, take pill and...Oooooops!

This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long end.

Flatten cats front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.

Resume position in step one. Rotate your left hand to cats head. Press it's mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

Vacuum up loose fur, (cats). Apply bandages to wounds, (yours).

Take two aspirin and lie down.
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Hi Mikee

Long time no speak...hope you and Mrs Mikee are well. :-)

re: Joke

Most of the above is quite true, to someone trying this for the 1st time, that is ;-)

As a former owner of various cats (in the past) I soon learnt that with "un-cooperative cats", the easiest way to administer such medicine, is the "beach towel" trick - wrap cat in towel, tightly, leaving just its head exposed and whilst holding the cat in your arms, position the cat on it's back, facing upwards...and then with another person, get them to prise open the felines jaw, pop the pill right down to the back of the cats mouth, then rub their throat, which makes them swallow.

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee »

UBT - Timbo wrote: Fri Jun 10, 2022 10:54 pm Hi Mikee

Long time no speak...hope you and Mrs Mikee are well. :-)
Hi

Yeah still here - just. Only running daylight hours and then only 50% or less most of the time - until yesterday...

Currently running FormulaBOINC sprint LHC@Home. 10 tasks at a time as that is as much memory the PC has availlable. Each instance uses more than 2gig of RAM!

Mike
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Mikee wrote: Sat Jun 11, 2022 7:02 pm Hi

Yeah still here - just. Only running daylight hours and then only 50% or less most of the time - until yesterday...

Currently running FormulaBOINC sprint LHC@Home. 10 tasks at a time as that is as much memory the PC has availlable. Each instance uses more than 2gig of RAM!

Mike
Hi Mike

No problems - I tried to take part in the LHC Sprint, but I only received 2 tasks over the entire period, despite having plenty of CPU capacity...so I was running "resource share=0" backup tasks on both hosts, just to keep my 2 PCs "occupied".

I think the Sprint challenges are stretching our Team abilities just a bit too far for us to actually get in the points, as most of our "power crunchers" are taking a break (and that's understandable) and of course not everyone wants to crunch 24/7 (for all sorts of reasons).

But we're doing our bit and one day we might be lucky :-)

regards
Tim
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee »

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Mikee wrote: Mon Jan 15, 2024 10:46 am "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Hi Mikee

hahahahahahahaha....

Now, following that advice, I just need to remember to find somewhere that has an electric fence (assuming dementia hasn't set in yet !!)

regards
Tim

PS Hope you are well
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Hi all

OK, here's a story joke:
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

And on a similar theme, try these jokes:

http://www.jokerz.com/old-age/old-age-sex-jokes

https://www.suddenlysenior.com/sexy-senior-joke-book/

Enjoy !

regards
Tim
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