Joke Thread

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Dec 11, 2008 3:57 pm

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. 'That is Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful people, the World's best football teams, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the World's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God started laughing fit to burst and said through tears streaming down his face, 'You should see what I've put in France!'

simplespud · Post by **simplespud** » Tue Dec 23, 2008 3:42 pm

A husband is at home watching a football match when his wife interrupts,

'honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now.'

He looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now? does it look like i have 'powergen' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'

'fine!'

Then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close right'
to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door? does it look like i have 'fridgidaire' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'

'fine!' she says
'then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? they are about to break'

'i'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps', he says, 'does it look like i have 'taylor woodrow' written on my forehead? i don't think so!
i've had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!!'

so he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours................

he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. he offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.'

he said, 'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

She replied, 'hellooooo.., do you see 'mr kipling' written on my forehead? i don't think so!'

melter65 · Post by **melter65** » Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:22 pm

And That's How The Fight Started...............

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What‘s on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************ ************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
On her way to the grocer, I asked my wife to buy me a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Ben · Post by **Ben** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:27 pm

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*** and go as a toffee apple!

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Tue Jun 09, 2009 10:33 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flash light around looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shon his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?
'Moses,' replied the bird.
Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
The parrot replied, 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus!'

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Sat Aug 29, 2009 12:11 pm

A lot of people say I`m egocentric. But enough about them.

Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she`d popped her clogs.

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said "Television For Sale - £1 - Volume Stuck On Full".
I thought, I can`t turn that down.

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.
When it happened, he was chuffed to bits.

It`s easy to distract fat people.
It`s a piece of cake.

melter65 · Post by **melter65** » Sat Aug 29, 2009 6:49 pm

A nice set of 'groaners' there, Rick!

:lol: :lol:

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 12:38 pm

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the California Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said: "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said: "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so on." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said: 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'.

The detective shook his head and said: "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!".

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said: 'What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'.

'Yes! He only has one ear!'.

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed: 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'.

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said: 'This is probably a waste of time, but...'. He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying: 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'.

The blonde said: 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said: 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'

The blonde rolled her eyes and said: 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 12:42 pm

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

------------------------------------------

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to annoy them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 6:20 pm

Nice one! Is there another instalment?

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Thu Oct 22, 2009 8:40 pm

UBT - Mikee wrote:Nice one! Is there another instalment?

I don't have another installment, but there is this:

10 reasons why dogs and cats are better than kids:

1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.

And finally,
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

david · Post by **david** » Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:48 pm

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags
and once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are £20
notes falling out of that bag...'

'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I
can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto
the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his
thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' '

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in
the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Tue Dec 22, 2009 6:12 pm

Favourite video of the day!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xbivmf ... t-fail_fun

patience · Post by **patience** » Tue Jan 26, 2010 9:28 am

Customer: I have been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number from, sir?
Customer: It was on the door to the Travel Center.
Operator: Sir, they are our opening hours.

Referee report: "This paper contains much that is new and much that is true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is not true."

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98.

Doctor implants a New Ear to a man.

Man: You idiot, you gave me a woman's ear

Doctor: It makes no difference

Man: It does,Now I hear everything

but understand nothing

Hope you have enjoyed it.

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:50 pm

This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its
employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a
computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious.
The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor as they read;

especially the last couple of sentences.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because
of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls
are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in
mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy
customer

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Thu Feb 04, 2010 11:30 pm

3 guys are waiting to be admitted to heaven. St Peter explains that as it's such a huge place everyone gets given transport, but the quality of transport depends upon how good you were to your other half.

The first guy steps up, tells St Peter that he was completely faithful throughout his married life - and gets given the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce.

The second guy is called, and he admits to one case of infidelity. St Peter admonishes him, but decides he can have nearly-new BMW.

The last guy admits that he was unfaithful on numerous occasions, at almost every opportunity. St Peter looks at him with disdain, then hands him the keys to a battered Reliant Robin.

A few days later the guy with the Robin comes upon the first guy, sat in his car in tears."What's wrong?", he asks, "You've got such a great car. Has it broken down?".

"No", sobs the Rolls driver, "My wife just went by on a skateboard!"

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Sun Mar 21, 2010 2:12 pm

"Gallows humour":

A deserter is just about to be blindfolded before being shot.
The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks if he has any last requests.
The deserter says that he would like to sing a song, a request which was granted.
He started: A million green bottles, hanging on a wall .......

The condemned man and the hangman were just about to leave the cell block to go outside over the yard to the execution shed when the heavens opened.
The condemned man complained bitterly that we was going to be soaked by the rain before his execution, to which the hangman replied, "What about me, I`ve got to walk back in it!"

melter65 · Post by **melter65** » Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:05 pm

Two blondes talking;

1st blonde: "I had a pregnancy test yesterday"

2nd blonde: "Oh! Were the questions difficult?"

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:02 pm

Not a joke but seems that magistrates do sometimes have a sense of humour!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/north_east/8595354.stm

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Wed Apr 14, 2010 12:44 am

I couldn`t resist this one! :oops:

Rotwang1985 · Post by **Rotwang1985** » Wed Apr 14, 2010 6:01 pm

UBT - Rick Horn wrote:I couldn`t resist this one! :oops:

In response I recommend http://www.sandyballs.co.uk/

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Sat May 08, 2010 7:18 pm

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Sun May 09, 2010 1:58 pm

Nick Clegg on EBay!

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll? ... 500wt_1182

Check out the questions/answers!

david · Post by **david** » Sun May 09, 2010 2:00 pm

Sorry couldn't resist this one

:lol:

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

Ben · Post by **Ben** » Sun May 09, 2010 2:41 pm

lol David! :lol:

Where is the 'I like' button?? :D

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Sun May 09, 2010 2:52 pm

Mmmm ... can't let that go!! :lol:

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:

" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

david · Post by **david** » Sun May 09, 2010 10:38 pm

:lol: non-partisan this one

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
' Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Post by **UBT - bobuk** » Mon May 10, 2010 7:37 am

o very sexist

Why do women have small feet ?

So they can get nearer to the sink............

b.

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Wed Jun 23, 2010 12:04 pm

A man goes into his local pub and takes a seat at the bar.
He turns to a woman next to him and says "I`m celebrating a special day today."

"What a coincidence," the woman replies."I`m celebrating too." She clinks glasses with him then asks:"So, what are you celebrating then?

"Well, I`m a chicken farmer," he replies. "For years, all my hens were infertile, but today, they`re finally fertile.

"What a coincidence," the woman chuckles. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for ages, and today my doctor told me I`m pregnant.
Tell me, how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she smiles. "I did the very same thing."

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:50 am

The perks of being 60+

1: Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2: In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3: People call you at 9PM and ask, did I wake you?

4: People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5: There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6: Things you buy now won`t wear out.

7: You can live without sex, but not your glasses.

8: You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

9: You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

10: You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

11: You sing along with elevator music.

12: Your eyes won`t get much worse.

13: Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

14: Your joints are more accurate than meteorologists on the national weather service.

15: Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can`t remember them either.

16: Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

17: You can`t remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And remember:

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A SLEEPING PILL AND A LAXATIVE ON THE SAME NIGHT.

Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:20 am

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightening.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane
and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australia stood up
in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.
Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped....

Then, he spoke: 'Iron this will you -- and then get me a beer’.

david · Post by **david** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 12:18 am

It sure doesn't take long
Couldn't resist posting this

HUMILATION

A bloke walks into a brothel and says:"I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"The madam replies $60."Wow, what do I get for that," he says.She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian Cricket XI shirt.

David

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Sun Jan 09, 2011 2:09 am

OK, at least you started it!

What do you call an Australian cricketer with a hundred to his name?
.
.
.
.
.
A bowler

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Fri Mar 04, 2011 12:56 pm

DID I READ THAT SIGN RIGHT?

IN AN OFFICE:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....PLEASE USE THE FLOOR BELOW.

IN A LAUNDROMAT:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

IN AN OFFICE:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY, PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

IN AN OFFICE:
AFTER TEA BREAKS, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

OUTSIDE A SECONDHAND SHOP:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

NOTICE IN HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

NOTICE IN A FARMER`S FIELD:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - BELL DOESN`T WORK.)

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Mar 21, 2011 2:57 pm

I just had a visit from the police. The officer showed me a photo and said, "Is this your wife, Sir?"

I said, "Yes, it is."

"I'm very sorry, Sir," said the officer "but it looks like she has been in a car accident."

"I know," I said, "but she has a lovely personality."

Fri Mar 25, 2011 11:42 am

Did you know that if you got all the members of the UK BOINC Team together and laid them end-to-end along the main runway at Heathrow airport...

...nobody would be in the least bit surprised.

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Sun Apr 17, 2011 9:51 am

Subject: New Scam

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Mon Apr 18, 2011 2:04 am

NEWS FLASH!

Japanese technicians claim to have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Wed Jul 20, 2011 1:14 pm

An old man goes to a drug store to get some well known male potency drug.
"Can I have 6 tablets , cut into quarters?"
"I can cut them for you", said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection".

"I`m 96" said the old man. "I don`t want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don`t piss on my slippers."

Post by **UBT-mark3346** » Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:59 pm

The Greek government have decided to stop the production of Taramasalata and Humus in an attempt to avoid a double dip recession

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:24 pm

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking alcohol.
It scared the hell out of me!
So that`s it, from now on, no more reading!

UBT - The Prof.... · Post by **UBT - The Prof....** » Sat Sep 24, 2011 5:13 pm

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum' with the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Coby. "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"...

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Fri Oct 07, 2011 12:38 am

An old guy, living alone in Chicago, wants to plant his vegetable patch at the start of the season. He used to get help from his son, but Jake is in prison now, doing a long stretch for the murder of a couple of mobsters . Still, with no prospect of help from anyone else, he decides to tackle the hard digging by himself but before starting writes his regular letter to his son, telling him of his intentions.

A few days later he's surprised to get a letter back so quickly, and startled to read "Dear Dad, don't go digging up that garden - that's where the bodies are buried."

The following morning the old man is woken by the sound of FBI agents carefully digging up the garden. After a day's intensive activity, during which nothing is found, the agents apologise to the guy and leave him in peace.

The following day he receives another letter from his son: "Hi Dad, sorry about the commotion yesterday, but it was the best I could do under the circumstances - go ahead and plant your vegetables now!"

Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:30 am

I had a hell of a night last night. I was in a seedy bar drinking God knows what and ended up going back to my hotel with a couple of Thai girls.

I thought I'd won the lottery when I found 6 matching balls!

Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:56 am

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and we had the most amazing sex ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!

Zydor · Post by **Zydor** » Wed Jan 11, 2012 12:40 pm

rofl ..... nice one

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:53 am

I went out to eat at Anthony Worrel-Thompson's restaurant last night and had a lovely piece of cake...

...it was stollen.

A list of ingredients for the cake can be found on the BBC news website.

Chris.

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:26 am

I rang my local toy store yesterday and asked if they had a model of the Costa Concordia.

"Yes," was the reply.

"Great," I said, "can you put it on one side for me."

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Tue Feb 14, 2012 9:09 am

Why women have two hands ........

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Tue Mar 20, 2012 7:15 pm

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot

The young family`s 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her "pay packet" home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day, to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her "work" on the building site, and the fact she had a "pay packet".
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We`re building a big house.

"My goodness", said the cashier, "and will you be working on the house again next week?"
The child thought for a moment, then she said seriously;
"I think so, provided those w***ers at Jewsons deliver the f***ing bricks".

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Tue Jun 12, 2012 10:30 pm

Little Billy was fascinated by the fire brigade and everything connected with it. Every day he would go down to the local fire station and watch the men polishing the fire engines and doing their general duties. Whenever the alarm sounded he would stand well clear and watch as they got on board and drove off with the sirens blaring.

Then one day he came home bursting with excitement. His mother wondered what had happened.

"The firemen have given me a job, Ma!" he explained.

"What, sweeping up in the yard?" his mother asked.

"No, Ma, they said some important piece of equipment had broken and until they get it fixed they needed me to help out!"

Billy's mother couldn't work out what that meant and Billy didn't know any more, so she decided to pop down to the fire station the next day to see what was going on. When she got there she couldn't see Billy so she went into the yard to ask one of the firemen. But just at that moment the alarm went off and everybody dropped what they were doing and scrambled aboard the fire engines. As the first one pulled out, she spotted Billy clinging to the roof. He saw her and a big smile spread across his face.

"Look up here! It's me, Ma, me, Ma, me, Ma, me, Ma..."

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Wed Jun 13, 2012 12:40 pm

I swear I heard the ghost of Robin Gibb singing while I tended to my herb garden this morning.

Turns out it was just the chive talking!

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Oct 02, 2012 4:46 pm

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. 'Ah, Pierre’ asks one, ' ‘ow ‘av you been doing?'

'Merde!' answers Pierre. 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground.'

'And zen what 'appened?' inquires his mate.

'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'.

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'

'And zen what 'appened?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp!'.'

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet.'

'What 'appened zen?' asks his mate. 'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.'.'

'Ooooh!' says his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'

'A leetle, at ze beginning.'

Post by **Woodles** » Tue Nov 13, 2012 3:25 pm

What shouldn't you say to a woman in labour?

Do you need to make that much noise?
Is it hurting?
Do you really need drugs?
I'm just going down the pub, text me when yer done luv.
I'm just off to get a sandwich.
Will you keep the screaming down I'm trying to watch the football.
S M I L E "...................Click!
I feel your pain.
So, when are we having another one?
Hold fire, I'm off to get a chair, my feet are killing me.
Doesn't seem as painful as people make out.
Shove up love , I'm knackered.
Now you know how I felt when I had man flu.
Could you ask the midwife for some paracetamol when she came back as I've got a bit of a headache.
I just need to phone Paul to explain how to fit those solar panels.
How long's this likely to go on?
Can you stop squeezing my hand, it REALLY hurts.
Look, I'm just getting in the way here, aren't I?
Hurry up I need a shirt ironing.
A man wouldn't make this much fuss/noise.
Do you fancy going to the pictures at the weekend ?"
It's easier if you relax.
When's dinner?
This is hard work.
Myleene Klass didn't seem to whinge so much.
How much is all this going to cost me?
Do I have to be here?
It's not as bad as being kicked in the nuts.
Goodness me, you really are the little drama queen, aren't you?
My first wife didn't make all this fuss!
Can you get a bit of video of me, its been all of you so far...

When my wife had given birth, I looked to the Midwife, 'Tell me, when do you think we'll be able to have sex?' She turned to me and said, 'Meet me in the car park in 15 minutes.'

david · Post by **david** » Tue Nov 27, 2012 12:07 pm

The Great Australian Drover

Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

Love it good Aus humour

David

david · Post by **david** » Wed Nov 28, 2012 2:54 am

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me, Miss. Dey ye hae ony books on suicide ?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Bugg3r off !! Ye'll no bring it back !!"

David

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Nov 29, 2012 1:00 pm

One day Bruce and Bruce are sitting on a wall by the roadside in rural Australia when a car, driven by a well-dressed Swiss man, evidently lost pulls up beside them. The driver wound down the window and said, "Excuse-moi, parlez vous francais, s'il vous plait?"

He was greeted with a stony silence and two bewildered looks and so he tried again, "Sprechen-sie deutch bitte?"

Same reaction. So, he soldiered on. "Parli per favore italiani?"

Silence. Now exasperated, he tried one more time. "Qué les hablas por favor españolas?"

Nothing. Disgusted, he wound up his window and drove off. After a couple of minutes Bruce turned to Bruce and says, "You know Bruce, I think maybe we should try learning a foreign language."

Bruce replied, "Why bother? That bloke knew four and it didn't do him any good did it?"

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Wed Dec 12, 2012 3:26 pm

I was chatting with my granddad the other day and he was telling me that he met Gandhi many years ago when he was out in India. He said what a great man Gandhi was but he was very frail and had terribly bad breath because of his poor diet and he had dreadful feet which were all gnarled because he used to walk everywhere bare footed.

In fact, you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I'm really sorry about that guys - it's been a bit of a quiet day.

Chris.

Tue Dec 18, 2012 10:54 am

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:02 pm

My wife went to get some Tesco burgers out of the freezer last night for our tea. She opened the freezer and said, "They're off!"

She then said to me, "Do you want anything on your burger?"

I said, "Yeah, a fiver each way."

As I was eating my burger I found some plastic in it. It turned out to be My Little Pony.

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Thu Jan 17, 2013 3:14 pm

I went to my local Tesco Express today where I know all the staff, and was told they'd had endless people poking fun.

However, I didn't help. At the checkout on being asked if I wanted a carrier bag I replied "Neigh" :roll: Best I could come up with at that moment!

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Jan 17, 2013 9:13 pm

Horsey, Horsey, don't you stop
You'll end up in a Tesco shop...

david · Post by **david** » Sat Feb 16, 2013 12:41 am

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to read his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old man top that, they thought.

The aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent;
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one, and tim buktu.

The aboriginal won hands down.

David

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:08 am

We haven't had a joke for a while so...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Post by **UBT-mark3346** » Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:17 am

:lol: :lol:

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Wed Aug 14, 2013 1:45 pm

"Give it to me ... please", she implored. "Give it to me ... I'm so f***ing wet ... NOW. Give it to me NOW!!!!"

Well, she could scream as much she liked, but I'm still keeping the umbrella. (What did you think I was on about???)

Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:07 am

That is very much like the kind of thing in '50 Sheds of Grey'...

I was excited but nervous. I’d finally been accepted into the BDSM community - Builders, Decorators and Shed Maintenance.

We each drop our keys into the bowl. Before long we’ll be entering a world of forbidden delights. God, I love these shed-swapping parties.

I looked down at her. She’d been on her hands and knees for an hour. Finally I spoke. ‘Are you sure you lost your contact lens in here?’

'You're obsessed!' she cried, storming out, 'You love this shed more than me!' Obsessed? Ridiculous. Shed be back. I mean, she'd be back…

We tried various positions- round the back, up against a wall, but the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed.

She stood before me, naked in my shed. ‘I’m yours for today,’ she gasped, ‘You can do whatever you want with me.’ So I took her to Nando’s.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Sun Aug 18, 2013 9:55 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:

That is very much like the kind of thing in '50 Sheds of Grey'...

There's a few more quotes from this splendid book here:

http://www.dailydawdle.com/2012/07/hila ... ey-on.html

and check out their Twitter feed @50ShedsofGrey

UPDATE: Another good read is "50 Sheds of Hay" so check out this link:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/40616/50-shades-of-hay

regards
Tim

Thu Sep 05, 2013 11:49 am

My wife caught me looking at a website of a disreputable nature the other day. She was furious. She said that if she ever caught me on the site again she'd bang my b****y head against the keyboard;klag;hw;erjkgh;hb;kjdfhb;khjitjhg;kdnb;klsjh;jhkldfnb/,zmcvn b/,dm'gaerhqijhqejhbldkfmb/lksdfjhwitjh'ksgnblkjsr;tjh'isjhb'ldfbjihb;jkbh;afkjbh;kjfb;kejhb;kjehb;kjadfnb;jkaehgpurthgmfnh.jfbgjkfbvnv;iorghrnbmf b.;adfkh b;a

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Sat Sep 07, 2013 4:31 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:My wife caught me looking at a website of a disreputable nature the other day. She was furious. She said that if she ever caught me on the site again she'd bang my b****y head against the keyboard;klag;hw;erjkgh;hb;kjdfhb;khjitjhg;kdnb;klsjh;jhkldfnb/,zmcvn b/,dm'gaerhqijhqejhbldkfmb/lksdfjhwitjh'ksgnblkjsr;tjh'isjhb'ldfbjihb;jkbh;afkjbh;kjfb;kejhb;kjehb;kjadfnb;jkaehgpurthgmfnh.jfbgjkfbvnv;iorghrnbmf b.;adfkh b;a

You're not inferring that THIS site is "disreputable" are you ??

(Else why would she be banging your head against the keyboard while you were writing that !!)

(/pedant mode)

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Oct 08, 2013 9:30 am

A Yorkshireman goes into the chemist and says, "Have you got any arse cream?"

The chemist replied, "Yes, Sir. We have Magnum or Cornetto."

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Oct 29, 2013 8:47 am

On the news this morning...

Historical researchers have found evidence that William Tell and his family were very keen crown green bowlers. Unfortunately, most of the records have been destroyed and so we may never know for whom the Tells bowled.

rich2000k · Post by **rich2000k** » Sat Mar 15, 2014 10:14 am

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role-play action babe?" she asked with a wink."Not really" I replied. "Oh, come on" she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want. Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake; however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...as I shouted: "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

Mon Mar 17, 2014 10:30 am

A woman goes into the fishmonger and says, "I'd like a pound of cod please."

"I'm afraid we're out of cod at the moment, ma'am" said the fishmonger.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure. I sold the last piece just 20 minutes ago."

"Can you just check in the back and see if you've got a small piece left?"

The fishmonger goes out to the back and returns 30 seconds later. "There's definitely no cod out there" he said.

"Are you really sure?"

"Yes I am sure and I can prove it. How many Ds are there in 'haddock'?"

"Two" said the woman a little confused.

"How many Es are there in 'herring'?"

"One" said the woman.

"And how many Fs are there in 'Cod'?"

"But there is no F in cod" said the woman.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last five minutes" said the fishmonger triumphantly.

Zydor · Post by **Zydor** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 12:21 pm

rofl ...... nice one

.... and so regrettably true in this Age of self inflated ego's

Fri Mar 21, 2014 10:22 am

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler, approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my lord?"

"Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked his lordship.

"Aplomb”, my lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

”I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them.”

”Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will picked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?”

”I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs.”

”While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply.”

Carson replied, “I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief.”

”That evening the pr*ck on his thumb was so sore, at dinner Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender.”

”Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening.”

“The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, 'Darling, is your pr*ck still throbbing?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!”

Fri Mar 21, 2014 11:40 am

I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Fri Mar 21, 2014 10:29 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.

[off topic] We had this argument several years ago - http://forum.ukboincteam.com/viewtopic. ... censorship - I had a separate rant but I can't find it just at the mo. Personally, I think we should switch off the profanity filter now as the forum is mature enough to take it. I doubt anyone under 18 would be offended by anything said here.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Sun Mar 23, 2014 1:28 am

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.

Hi Chris,

The forum uses a small number of replacement words, for those extreme words that are not very nice to be displayed on a forum that is supposed to be about mostly BOINC projects....

...and there are plenty of other forums and websites where all manner of language is expressed and tolerated.

However, I have to agree with you on the subject of the word "prick", which is (I think) only mildly offensive, so I've removed that one....and I also removed the word "prat" as that too isn't really that offensive.

Hope that's OK.

regards
Tim

UBT - Rick Horn · Post by **UBT - Rick Horn** » Sun Mar 23, 2014 11:14 am

UBT - Timbo wrote:
UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I don't know who is responsible for the censorship on this forum but I do think it is set a little high. In my previous post I used the word 'p-r-i-c-k' a few times with the meaning of 'to jab' and it kept changing it to 'pluck' which, in certain circumstances, is a reasonable alternative. But it can ruin a good joke! It's not as if it's a particularly rude word either, even when used in other contexts.

Chris.
Hi Chris,

The forum uses a small number of replacement words, for those extreme words that are not very nice to be displayed on a forum that is supposed to be about mostly BOINC projects....

...and there are plenty of other forums and websites where all manner of language is expressed and tolerated.

However, I have to agree with you on the subject of the word "prick", which is (I think) only mildly offensive, so I've removed that one....and I also removed the word "prat" as that too isn't really that offensive.

Hope that's OK.

regards
Tim

The word "prat" could be offensive if your name happens to be Prat or Pratt, (like my ex boss.) :D

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:19 pm

I've just got back from seeing the doctor but it wasn't a very successful visit. He couldn't get to the bottom of what is wrong with me. After a while he said, 'Your symptoms are a little ambiguous; it could either be arthritis or dyslexia. What I want you to do is go home and look up dyslexia in a dictionary. If you find it then you've got arthritis."

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Mon Aug 11, 2014 8:31 pm

FORUM MEMBERS:

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:48 am

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes
left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello, Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today; we were
2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.'

'Just wonderful,' says his mum. 'Let me tell you about my day…

'Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and
assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle.

'Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some
buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say, Mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?! Sorry?!' says his mum. 'It's your fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Sun Nov 09, 2014 9:21 pm

This site cracks me up every time I read them!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/ ... ggles-ever

Post by **UBT - Chris** » Sun Nov 09, 2014 9:44 pm

commas can save grandma:

Let's Eat Grandma
Let's Eat, Grandma

hgblade · Post by **hgblade** » Fri Dec 19, 2014 2:35 pm

It was just before Christmas and the trip had gone reasonably well, but I was ready to return home. The airport had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in my luggage I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe mind, but very cheap plastic imitation stuff with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the check-in girl "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir", she replied sarcastically, "look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Post by **UBT - Mikee** » Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:44 pm

BED OR CAKE

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; "FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE OSRAM PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

HE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE INDESIT ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN, YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT, I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Tue Apr 28, 2015 9:21 am

UBT - Mikee wrote:.
.
.
.
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Hi Mikee

Who's Betty Crocker ? :(

Does she make cakes?

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Thu Aug 27, 2015 9:56 am

I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum.

That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance.

Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:18 am

A week or two ago there was some talk in the forum about trying to encourage more nationalities to the forum. So, in an effort to promote multi-culturism here is the first french joke I ever heard/understood...

Pourquoi faire les Français prennent savon a l'eglise?

Pour l'avé Maria

(Warning - this joke does not make any sense in English)

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:54 am

Hi all

I would guess that most would be aware of Ronnie Corbett's passing.

So, in tribute, here's a link to the BBC website and a list of some of his one liners:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-35935571

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Tue Jun 14, 2016 1:06 pm

I have a friend who has a ticket for the final of the Euros. Unfortunately,
when he bought it he didn't realise that it was the same date as his wedding
and now he's trying to find someone to go in his place. Do you know anyone?
If so, it is at St. Mary's church and her name is Louise.

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Tue Jun 14, 2016 10:20 pm

UBT - Chris Suddick wrote:I have a friend who has a ticket for the final of the Euros. Unfortunately,
when he bought it he didn't realise that it was the same date as his wedding
and now he's trying to find someone to go in his place. Do you know anyone?
If so, it is at St. Mary's church and her name is Louise.

That is very good....!!

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Jun 20, 2016 7:05 pm

Last week my mate David had his ID stolen so now we call him Dav.

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Wed Jun 28, 2017 9:28 am

Cohen was lying on his death bed with his son dutifully by his side.

"Is that your mother's famous cookies I can smell? Be a good lad and get me one so that I can taste them one last time before I go," croaked the old man.

His son disappears downstairs and returns a minute later. "Mum say you can't have one. They're for the funeral."

Post by **UBT - Timbo** » Thu Jun 29, 2017 1:21 pm

Now that was good too !!

Just wish I could exchange a few, but for some reason I can never remember jokes...

regards
Tim

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:42 pm

During a security briefing at the White House the defense secretary, Donald Rumsfeld breaks some tragic news. "Mr President. three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday while supporting U.S. troops."

"Oh no!" shrieks George W Bush and buries his head in his hands. After a moment he looks up an says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:46 pm

What is the volume of an Italian meal with thickness 'a' and radius 'z''?

pi.z.z.a

(I'm really sorry about that but it has been a very quiet day)

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:50 pm

And so it continues...

Jesus was talking to his disciples and said, "The kingdom of Heaven is like x^2 + 5x - 6."

Thomas looked confused and turned to Peter, "I don't understand. What does the teacher mean?"

Peter replied, "Don't worry, it's just another one of his parabolas."

Post by **UBT - Chris Suddick** » Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:36 pm

Learning to count in binary is as easy as 1, 10, 11...

UK BOINC Team Forum

Joke Thread

And That's How The Fight Started...............

A selection of jokes from The Mail On Sunday

Subject: New Scam

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