Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
UBT - Timbo
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Riding The Train
A lady from the city and her travelling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

Emergency Room
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That’s when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife,
"Hey! This looks like yours!"

Religious Cowboy
The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Two Cows in a field
Two cows were out in a field eating grass. One cow turns to the other cow and says, "Moooooo!" "Hey", the other cow replies.... "I was just about to say the same thing!"

Cow Riddle
My cow refuses to give milk, and you know why, of course. She's been grazing in the field too long,... And now she thinks she's a horse.

Cow Short Jokes

Q: Why don't cows have any money? A: Because farmers milk them dry

Q: What did mama cow say to baby cow? A: It's pasture bedtime

Q: What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and an upset cow? A: An animal that's in a baaaaaaaad moooooood

Q: Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon? A: The farmer had cold hands

Q: What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? A: Beef strokin' off

Q: What do you call it when a mad cow gets loose? A: Udder destruction!

Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: To get to the udder side.

Q: What do you call a cow you can't see? A: Camooflauged

Q: How easy is it to milk a cow? A: It's a piece of steak

Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter

Q: What do cows do while skiing? A: Moo-Guls!

Q: How do you make a milkshake? A: Give a cow a pogo stick

Q: What is a cow's favourite lunch meat? A: Bullogna

Q: What does a cow put on his french toast? A: Moooolasses

Q: What do you call an evil cow? A: De-mooooon

Q: Why was the cow so scared? A: Because he was a cow-ard

Q: What did the cow say to the cow tipping rednecks? A: Don't moooove a muscle

Q: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er

Q: Where do cows go for lunch? A: The calf-eteria

Q: What do you call a cow that can cut the grass? A: Mulan

Q: What do you call animal drinking with Justin Timberlake? A: TEA COW!

Q: There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. how many didn't? A: 10! 30 cows and 20 cows 8 chickens!!! get it?

Q: Which job is a cow most suited for? A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly

Q: "Where did the cows go last night"? A: "To the mooon"

Q: Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? A: On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

Q: What do you call a cow with an assistant? A: Moooooving up in the world

Q: Why can't a cow become a detective? A: They refuse to go on Steakouts!

Q: How does a cow get to the mooooon? A: It flies through udder space!

Q: What happens when you talk to a cow? A: It goes in one ear and out the udder!

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock

Q: What is a cows favorite colour? A: Maroooooooon

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A: To get chocolate milk

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? A: Peanut butter

Q: What do you call a really strong cow? A: Beefy

Q: What do you get when you walk under a cow? A: A pat on the head

Q: How does lady gaga like her steak? A: Raw raw raw raw raw

Q: Why did the cow cross the road? A: Cause it didnt want Lady Gaga to make a meat dress out of him

Q: What are a cows favorite subjects in school? A: Moosic, psycowolgy, cowculus

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A: Milk and Quackers!

Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence A: Udder-Catastrophe

Q: Where do you find the most cows? A: Moo-York

Q: What do cows get when they are sick? A: Hay Fever

Q: Why does a milking stool have only three legs? A: Because the cow has the udder

Q: What do you call a sad cow? A: Mooooved to tears

Q: Did you hear that Chuck Norris is a matador? A: He takes the bull by the horns

Q: Where did the bull lose all his money? A: At the Cowsino

Q: What did the cow say to the lousy renter? A: Moooooooooo your self out of here

Q: How can you tell which cow is the best dancer? A: Wait til one busts a moooooove

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that died with a bow and arrow in her hand? A: She hit the bull's eye

Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Their horns don't work

Q: What are the spots on black and white cows? A: Holstains

Q: What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow? A: Milk of Amnesia

Q: What Is A Cows Favorite Type Of Math? A: Moo-tiplication

Q: Have you ever heard the term "When Pigs Fly!"...... A: Well what if it were "When Cows Fly!"

Q: Where do cows go when they want a night out? A: To the moo-vies!

Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef Jerky

Q: What were the cows doing under the tree? A: Talking about the latest moos

Q: What was the bull doing in the pasture with his eyes closed? A: Bull-dozin'

Q: What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning? A: "It's just an udder day"

Q: How does a farmer count a herd of cows? A: With a Cowculator

Q: Where do Russians get their milk? A: From Mos-cows

Q: Did you hear about the snobby cow? A: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!

Q: What's a cow's favorite moosical note? A: Beef-flat

Q: What did the cow say to the turtle? A: Get a moove on

Q: What do you call a cow that's afraid of the dark? A: A coward

Q: Why are cows so soft? A: Because they are made out of leather

Q: What do cows wear in Hawaii? A: Moo-moos

Q: How does one cow talk to another? A: Cow-munication

Q: What do call a cow that has just had a calf? A: Decalfenated

Q: Did you hear about the cow that wasn't interested in bulls? A: She was an Ho-Moo-Sexual.

Q: Where do cows get their weapons? A: Ar-moooo-ries

Q: Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck? A: Because her horn didn't work

Q: Did you hear that NASA recently launched a bunch of Holsteins into low Earth orbit? A: They called it the Herd Shot 'Round The World!

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A: A MILK DUD!

Q: What did the cow say when a person played the piano? A: That's good moooooosic.

Q: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk? A: An udder failure

Q: What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? A: Ground Beef

Q: Where do cows get together? A: The meet market

Q: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A: a lawn moo-er

Q: What do you call a cow with full armor? A: Sir loin

Q: What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull? A: A steak-out!

Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs? A: Lean Beef

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all? A: Ground beef

Q: What band is a cow favorite? A: Moody Blues

Q: What do you call a grumpy cow? A: Moo-dy

Q: Why did cow jump over the moon? A: Because he wanted to skydive

Q: Why is the barn so noisy? A: Because all of the cows have horns

Q: Where do cows like to ride on trains? A: In the cow-boose

Q: What do cows get when they do all their chores? A: Mooooney

Q: What did one dairy cow say to another? A: Got milk?

Q: How to you know that cows will be in heaven? A: It's a place of udder delight.

Q: When is a farmer like a magician? A: When he turns his cow into pasture

Q: Why is a barn so noisy? A: All the cows have horns

Q: What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow? A: Blue cheese!

Q: What did the secret agent cow say to the other cow? A: Are you udder cover?

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? A: He's got no beef

Q: What animals do you bring to bed? A: Your calves

Q: What happened to the lost cattle? A: Nobody's herd

Q: Where does a cow stop to drink? A: The milky way!

Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a lawnmower? A: A lawnmooer.

Q: What is a cows favorite holiday? Answer: Moomorial day

Q: How do you stop a bull from charging? A: Take away his credit card!

Q: Why don't you tell a cow a secret? A: Because it goes in one ear and out the udder!

Q: What does an invisible man drink? A: Evaporated milk!

Q: Why does the cow bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper

Q: What newspaper do cows read? A: The Daily Moos

Q: What do you find a gallery of cows? A: The mooseum

Q: What is a cows favorite year? A: Moo thousand seventeen

Q: What do you call half a cow? A: a calf

Q: What was the first animal in space? A: The cow that jumped over the moon!

Q: What is it when one cow spies on another cow? A: A steak out

Q: What do you call a magic cow? A: Moodini

Q: What happens when a cow laughs too hard? A: It Cowlapses!

Q: What is the difference between a car and a bull? A: A car only has one horn

Q: What do you get when you give pasta to a cow? A: Beefaroni

Q: What did one cow say to the other? A: Mooooooove over!

Q: Did you hear the song about Mad Cow disease? A: It's insane in the methane, insane in the brain

Q: What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom? A: A cow walking backwards!

Q: What do you call an arab next to a cow? A: Milk Sheikh!

Q: Where does a cow stay when it is on vacation? A: A moo-tel!

Q: Why was the cow sad? A: She was moody

Q: Did you know that cows love Marvin Gaye? Yeah, I herd it through the bovine

Q: What do cows read in the mornings? A: The moospaper

Q: What did the farmer say to the cow? A: Produce some milk

What did Gladdis the cow say to Brenda the cow when her boyfriend the Bull cheated on her? How Dairy!

30 cows on a farm. 28 chicken how many didn't? 2 because 20 ate chicken

Why do cows have long faces? Because you would have a long face too, if your tits were getting pulled twice a day

Are you the head of your gang when it rains because you keep each udder dry

A husband and wife cow are mad at each other so the husband says to his wife: "You udder hear me out"

If you didn't like that cow joke don't worry, I've got udders

A man is walking his cow out to pasture. He turns to him and says "Do you know in some countries they put cows on a pedestal?" The cow turns and says "And here they are going to put me on a grill"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/cowjokes.html
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

Apparently, one day last week was International Female Orgasm Day. I organised a party for it but nobody came.
chriscambridge
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by chriscambridge »

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
UBT - Chris Suddick
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Chris Suddick »

I was talking to a chap yesterday from the Flat Earth Society. He told me that they have thousands of members around the globe.
UBT - Mikee
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee »

Hi

Just going through some very old emails and found this to amuse you.

Mike

How to Give a Cat a Pill

Step one, grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill in mouth.

Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

Follow same procedure as in step one, but hold cats front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

Retrieve cat from under bed. Get a new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

Again proceed as in step one, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your body over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

Leave cat hanging on drapes, Leave pill in your hair.

If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

Now, pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position from step one, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cats mouth, take pill and...Oooooops!

This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long end.

Flatten cats front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.

Resume position in step one. Rotate your left hand to cats head. Press it's mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

Drop pill into cats mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

Vacuum up loose fur, (cats). Apply bandages to wounds, (yours).

Take two aspirin and lie down.
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UBT - Timbo
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Hi Mikee

Long time no speak...hope you and Mrs Mikee are well. :-)

re: Joke

Most of the above is quite true, to someone trying this for the 1st time, that is ;-)

As a former owner of various cats (in the past) I soon learnt that with "un-cooperative cats", the easiest way to administer such medicine, is the "beach towel" trick - wrap cat in towel, tightly, leaving just its head exposed and whilst holding the cat in your arms, position the cat on it's back, facing upwards...and then with another person, get them to prise open the felines jaw, pop the pill right down to the back of the cats mouth, then rub their throat, which makes them swallow.

regards
Tim
UBT - Mikee
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee »

UBT - Timbo wrote: Fri Jun 10, 2022 10:54 pm Hi Mikee

Long time no speak...hope you and Mrs Mikee are well. :-)
Hi

Yeah still here - just. Only running daylight hours and then only 50% or less most of the time - until yesterday...

Currently running FormulaBOINC sprint LHC@Home. 10 tasks at a time as that is as much memory the PC has availlable. Each instance uses more than 2gig of RAM!

Mike
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Mikee wrote: Sat Jun 11, 2022 7:02 pm Hi

Yeah still here - just. Only running daylight hours and then only 50% or less most of the time - until yesterday...

Currently running FormulaBOINC sprint LHC@Home. 10 tasks at a time as that is as much memory the PC has availlable. Each instance uses more than 2gig of RAM!

Mike
Hi Mike

No problems - I tried to take part in the LHC Sprint, but I only received 2 tasks over the entire period, despite having plenty of CPU capacity...so I was running "resource share=0" backup tasks on both hosts, just to keep my 2 PCs "occupied".

I think the Sprint challenges are stretching our Team abilities just a bit too far for us to actually get in the points, as most of our "power crunchers" are taking a break (and that's understandable) and of course not everyone wants to crunch 24/7 (for all sorts of reasons).

But we're doing our bit and one day we might be lucky :-)

regards
Tim
UBT - Mikee
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Mikee »

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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UBT - Timbo
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

UBT - Mikee wrote: Mon Jan 15, 2024 10:46 am "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Hi Mikee

hahahahahahahaha....

Now, following that advice, I just need to remember to find somewhere that has an electric fence (assuming dementia hasn't set in yet !!)

regards
Tim

PS Hope you are well
UBT - Timbo
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Re: Joke Thread

Post by UBT - Timbo »

Hi all

OK, here's a story joke:
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

And on a similar theme, try these jokes:

http://www.jokerz.com/old-age/old-age-sex-jokes

https://www.suddenlysenior.com/sexy-senior-joke-book/

Enjoy !

regards
Tim
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