Joke Thread

[hgblade]

Three nuns driving along a very long deserted road when they suddenly see the Devil stood in the middle of the road ahead.

The nun driving the car rapidly flashes her headlights, but the Devil shows no concern.

One of her companions tells the driver to blast the horn, but to no avail. The Devil remains unmoved, and as they're getting ever nearer now towers above them.

The senior nun, sat in the back, tells the driver "Quick, lean out of the window and show him your cross". So the driver winds down her window, leans out, and shouts "Get out of the b***ing way you f****ing moron."

[UBT - Chris Suddick]

I was playing bridge last night with an American friend and in every hand he bid 1 no trump.

[hgblade]

New rule for the American Bridge Association players - If you have a heart, bid no trump.

[UBT - Chris Suddick]

What do you call a singer with a small d*ck?

Justin Beaver.

[UBT - Chris Suddick]

Did you know that when Charles Dickens wrote "A Tale of Two Cities", before it was published it was serialised in two local papers.

It was the Bicester Times, It was the Worcester Times.

[UBT - Timbo]

In tribute to the late, great Sir Ken Dodd, here's a link to the BBC website with 17 of his gags (although I know there are far, far more...) :

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-43370741

My fave of these is number 6 !!

[Woodles]

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

They went home and the old lady asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then asked her husband for a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

NOT a personal anecdote

[Woodles]

I have a friend in Afghanistan that has set up a business of converting landmines into prayer mats, prophets are through the roof!

[UBT - Timbo]

A joke from a friend of mine on Facebook:

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."


(It helps to know some road names in/around Essex/Cambridgeshire)

[Woodles]

Ah, but she wouldn't be able to reach that speed limit on the A14!

[UBT - Chris Suddick]

A mother is scolding her seven-year-old son.

"I've just heard from your teacher that you used the 'C' word in class. That wasn't clever was it?"

"No, it was c*nt."