Joke Thread

Here's the place to post all sorts of games, quizzes, or interactive competitions etc for forum members to join in with....
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melter65
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Joke Thread

Post by melter65 » Thu Feb 07, 2008 9:17 pm

I thought it was time we had somewhere to post jokes that we see on other forums that we want to share with others! :lol:

I'll kick it off with this;
Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery.............................. The study of paintings.

Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die.

Benign...............................What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome.

Catscan............................ Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize.......................... Made eye contact with her.

Colic................................ A sheep dog.

Coma............................... A punctuation mark.

Dilate............................... To live long.

Enema.............................. Not a friend.

Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else.

Fibula............................... A small lie.

Impotent........................... Distinguished, well known. Labour

Pain..................................Getting hurt at work. Medical

Staff.................................. A Doctor's cane.

Morbid............................... A higher offer.

Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates.

Node................................ I knew it.

Outpatient......................... A person who has fainted.

Pelvis............................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative................... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room................... Place to do upholstery.

Rectum............................. Nearly killed him.

Secretion.......................... Hiding something.

Seizure............................. Roman emperor.

Tablet.............................. A small table. Terminal

Illness.............................. Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour.............................One plus one more.

Urine............................... Opposite of you're out.

2xCondoms........................To be sure, to be sure

melter65
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Post by melter65 » Tue Feb 12, 2008 10:53 pm

Phil and Karen were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Phil suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Karen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Phil out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Karen's heroic act,she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Karen the news she said, "Karen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Phil, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."



Karen replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.



How soon can I go home?"

melter65
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Post by melter65 » Tue Feb 12, 2008 10:54 pm

OLD MAN AND THE BEAVER



A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 22-year old Bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"


The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a Season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"


The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver".


The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

melter65
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Post by melter65 » Tue Feb 12, 2008 10:56 pm

A short one, but good all the same!
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.
The bartender says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"
The pirate says, "Argh, it's driving me nuts!"

melter65
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Post by melter65 » Tue Feb 12, 2008 10:57 pm

Man in hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

'Nurse' he mumbles, 'are my testicles black?'

Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand, testicles in the other. She takes a good close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them Sir'

Man pulls off the oxygen mask and says very slowly,

'Thanks for that, it was just wonderful, but listen very very closely and carefully....are-my-test-re-sults-back?'

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Post by Woodles » Wed Feb 13, 2008 9:44 am

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Damn, I forgot the condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

'Don't be stupid,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
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Post by melter65 » Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:51 pm

:thumbright:  :laughing3:  :lol:

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Post by UBT - mickyb69 » Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:55 pm

ImageImageImage

cris keys
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Post by cris keys » Thu Feb 14, 2008 6:27 pm

A penguin takes his car to a garage and the mechanic says he needs a hour to look at it. So the penguin to kill some time wanders across the road to an ice cream parlour, because penguins just love ice cream. Now because a penguin has no hands the poor guy ends up getting it all over his beak.
So he goes back to the mechanic who tells him "Well it looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin replies "No it's just a little ice cream."

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New English

Post by NaRyan » Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:40 am

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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Post by UBT-mark3346 » Tue Mar 11, 2008 10:21 am

A small guy steps into an elevator,
looks up and notices this huge dude standing next to him.

The big dude looks down upon the small guy and
says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle,
3 pound right testicle, Ben Dover."

The small guy faints.
The big guy reaches down picks him up, brings him to by
slapping his face and shaking him and asks,
" What's wrong with you?"

The small guy, color drained from his face says,
"Excuse me but what did you say just then?"

The big dude looks down at him and repeats,
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle,
3 pound right testicle, Ben Dover."

The small guy says, "Oh thank God for that! I thought you said 'Bend Over'

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Post by Woodles » Tue Mar 11, 2008 10:49 am

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in, we haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, cheers!'

They quickly downed their drinks then Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!
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Post by Purplepixii » Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:59 pm

Continuing the Oirish theme:


An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...          

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.  

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10      pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....  

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,  how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'            

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman



                    (Wait for it...........scroll down.)

   









'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Timby
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Post by Timby » Thu Mar 13, 2008 10:21 pm

Not really a Joke more a mission Statement

MEN:
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be King.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another public loo because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £ 1000. Morning suit rental £150.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
You have something to play with in your pocket all the time.
Your tummy usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a penknife.
You know how wide your car is.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache....
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it.
And to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Enjoy Gents Image

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Post by UBT - bobuk » Thu Mar 13, 2008 10:52 pm

Old Jimmy wants to become a morris dancer in the village troup.
But there is no room for him till some one leaves..
Each week he calls in at the village hall and keeps asking,
but gets the same answer "when someone leaves you will be first in"...
So the weeks turn into months.... but finally someone leaves the morris troup,
and Jimmy gets the offer of joining....
The head morris dancer tells Jimmy he has to go get a medical first before joining..
So Jimmy makes an appointment with the doctor for Tuesday morning..
Tuesday comes round and off Jimmy goes to see the doc..
"So you come for your medical before joing our morris troup let me sound your heart..
well that sounds ok"...
"move your wrists about as those hankies get heavy after a while...
yes wrists ok" ...
"move your ankels as those bells are heavy  after dancing all day...
ankels ok" says the doctor...
"now drop your pants", so Jimmy does as the doc says..
"oh! " say the doc "i see you have been circumcised", "yes" says jimmy "is there a problem?"...
"yes" say the doctor............"you cannot be a morris dancer if you have been circumcised
because "................


wait for it .........








"you have to be a complete dick to be a morris dancer"






b. :D

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Takeout Small Talk

Post by NaRyan » Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:15 pm

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.
While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."

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Post by Woodles » Fri Mar 14, 2008 2:41 pm

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," the woman replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his aunt, but I'm really glad I came."
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Post by UBT-mark3346 » Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:06 am

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.  

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (you should read them aloud)  

English - Chinese


That's not right!                                              Sum Ting  Wong                                    
Are you harbouring a fugitive?                          Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP                                                   Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man                                                      Dum Fuk
Small Horse                                                     Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?                                  Wai Yu So Tan  
I bumped into a coffee table!                           Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift!                              Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here!                                      Wai So Dim  
I thought you were on a diet!                           Wai Yu Mun Ching  
This is a tow away zone!                                  No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week!          Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight                                         Lei Ying Lo  
He's cleaning his automobile                            Wa Shing Ka  
Your body odour is offensive                           Yu Stin Ki Pu  
Great                                                            Fa Kin Su Pa

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Post by UBT-mark3346 » Mon Mar 17, 2008 6:53 pm

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Woodles
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Post by Woodles » Wed Mar 19, 2008 11:27 am

Two women were playing golf.

One tee’d off and watched in horror as her sliced ball headed straight for a foursome of men playing at the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin.

He fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed towards the man and began to apologise. "Please allow me to help, I’m am a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me" she told him.

“It's OK, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony lying in the foetal position still grasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and put them by his side, loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes then asked "how does that feel now?"

He replied   “It feels great ... but I still think that my thumb is broken!"
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