Bird Flu Symptoms
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately...
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield
Well it made me laugh...... (ii)
-
UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
UP
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the politicians UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP an old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
This UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............
Time to shut UP!!
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
Ready for this ?
U P
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this.....
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the politicians UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP an old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
This UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............
Time to shut UP!!
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
Ready for this ?
U P
-
UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Computer Problem
I was having trouble with my computer so I called the computer guy, to come over. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem then gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
He grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down ...... I D 1 0 T
I used to like the computer guy.
I was having trouble with my computer so I called the computer guy, to come over. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem then gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
He grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down ...... I D 1 0 T
I used to like the computer guy.
-
UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Everything Has A Gender
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tyre is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tyre is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
-
UBT - BHCJackie
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 12:00 am
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A car jump cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week.
I pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A chap heads off to the zoo.
When he arrives there is just a dog sitting in a cage.
It was a Shitzu.
What had Gary Glitter and George Best got in common?
They both had one tot too many.
What did Paul McCartney get his wife Heather for Christmas?
A plane
And some Veet for the other leg.
What's got three legs and lives on a farm?
Paul McCartney and his wife.
Celebrity Big Brother News
Michael Barrymore's tears on entering the Celebrity Big Brother House were put down to the fact that he wasn't able to make his usual backdoor entry.
Police recently admitted George Best was not buried in Belfast as previously stated.
They conceded that the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead was not the best that had ever been made.
A boy asks his grandfather,"Grandad can you make a sound like a frog please?"
A little taken aback the grandfather asks "Why?"
The boy replies, "Because Dad said I can have a new bike when you croak."
A group of old pals decided to honour their friend with a hooker for his 75th birthday.
When the doorbell rang, he answered it and saw a very exciting young woman in a sexy outfit.
She said, "I'm here to give you super sex."
The birthday boy thought for a moment, and then replied, "I think I'll take the soup."
A car jump cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week.
I pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A chap heads off to the zoo.
When he arrives there is just a dog sitting in a cage.
It was a Shitzu.
What had Gary Glitter and George Best got in common?
They both had one tot too many.
What did Paul McCartney get his wife Heather for Christmas?
A plane
And some Veet for the other leg.
What's got three legs and lives on a farm?
Paul McCartney and his wife.
Celebrity Big Brother News
Michael Barrymore's tears on entering the Celebrity Big Brother House were put down to the fact that he wasn't able to make his usual backdoor entry.
Police recently admitted George Best was not buried in Belfast as previously stated.
They conceded that the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead was not the best that had ever been made.
A boy asks his grandfather,"Grandad can you make a sound like a frog please?"
A little taken aback the grandfather asks "Why?"
The boy replies, "Because Dad said I can have a new bike when you croak."
A group of old pals decided to honour their friend with a hooker for his 75th birthday.
When the doorbell rang, he answered it and saw a very exciting young woman in a sexy outfit.
She said, "I'm here to give you super sex."
The birthday boy thought for a moment, and then replied, "I think I'll take the soup."